


The Dark I Know Well

by sithlady



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Drug Use, Everybody is gay, F/F, Femslash, Lesbians, Marijuana, Masturbation, Modern AU, Rule 63, Smut, Stoner Rey, kylie ren - Freeform, kylo is a girl, mental health, mentions of abuse (in later chapters), party everyday, potential mentions of non-con (in later chapters)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-20
Packaged: 2018-08-07 13:44:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 34,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7717135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sithlady/pseuds/sithlady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just two girls and their downward spirals as Rey loses herself to her darkness and Kylie finds her own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. run in the shadows

It was a particularly hot summer when Rey and Finn met. Finn was holding his weekly Saturday-night rager, his apartment buzzing with the sounds of music and laughter as Rey exited the elevator, turning right to enter her apartment. When she unlocked and slipped through her front door, she was met by the hot, stagnant air, reminding her the air conditioning was broken. Rey didn't get paid until Monday and thought for sure she would melt before she could get the air conditioning fixed. _Fuck me,_ she thought. Rey stripped off her work clothes, greasy from working on cars all day, before falling face first onto her bed. 

The music from down the hall vibrated through her walls, despite being 3 apartments away from the chaos. Rey considered crashing the party before deciding against it; instead, she turned on the fan and pulled out a pipe and her weed. She sat on her bed smoking until the heat coupled with the high became overwhelming and she was desperate for some cool air. Her clothes from the night before were on her floor so, not wanting to go into her closet which had to be even hotter than the bedroom, she threw them on, slipping her feet into some sandals, and headed out her apartment. Rey realized she hadn't planned accordingly when it occurred to her she hadn't brought her phone. Turning the handle on the door, she found she was locked out. 

_Shit,_ she thought. It wasn't the first time she had locked herself out of her apartment so she had given a spare key to her best friend, Poe, so she wouldn't have to deal with the apartment manager again. Plutt was a grumpy man; when Rey had to ask him to let her into her apartment the first time, he grumbled something about _stupid stoners_ under his breath and stormed away as soon as the door was open. Although it wasn't as quick of a process, giving Poe a key seemed to be the best solution. 

Rey stood in the hall, cursing herself for being so careless, gently hitting her head against the door behind her. 

"What did the door ever do to you?" a voice asked. 

Rey was startled; she hadn't heard anybody approach, though she wasn't too surprised considering the commotion down the hall. 

"It locked me out," Rey responded. "It was too hot in there and I barely managed to escape... I can't say the same for my keys or phone, though."

Rey had a habit of talking too much and too fast when she was stoned and she internally chastised herself for being so candid. The man was broad and handsome with his dark skin and eyes, a jovial smile on his face. He was amused with her, she could tell. _At least somebody is enjoying this_ , Rey thought. Rey recognized the man, having seen him in the elevator before. She wondered if it was his party. As though reading her thoughts, the man spoke. 

"I'm Finn, I live in apartment 118. Wanna come over? We have air conditioning and cold drinks." 

Rey was relieved. "Are you an angel?" she asked. 

As soon as they got to his apartment, Rey thanked a god she didn't believe in for her luck. It was cold indeed, and it felt amazing. Finn introduced Rey to his friends, a couple of guys taking an interest in her, attempting to flirt. Never one to notice the advances of men, Rey was friendly but moved on quickly to make her way through the party. 

"Wanna smoke?" Finn asked, appearing out of nowhere. 

"You really _are_ an angel," said Rey, wondering why they hadn't met sooner. Rey borrowed Finn's phone as they smoked, texting Poe Finn's apartment number so he could let her into her apartment. 

Poe stayed at the party a while, enjoying the energy. He wasn't into weed, said it made him too paranoid, so he settled into a few games of beer pong while Rey and Finn cheered him on, _boooo_ ing his rivals. 

Finn pulled Rey aside a while later, asking "Soooo, is Poe-"

Rey cut him off. "Gay? Finn, _I_ don't even wear shirts that tight, of course he's gay," she laughed. 

"Okay- cool-" stammered Finn. "You should put in a good word for me."

"Aye aye, captain," Rey said, saluting. 

"So what about you?" Finn asked. "Not to brag, but you haven't come on to me yet." Rey knew he was joking and rolled her eyes, though her grin betrayed her. Finn knew she enjoyed his company and decided to keep her around. 

"Guilty as charged," said Rey. Finn laughed, bumping shoulders with the girl. Poe and Rey left shortly after, though Rey didn't stay away for long. 

Rey and Finn became fast friends, spending most nights laying around watching cult horror films and B movies, laughing as they passed a joint between them. Rey had friends, sure. She had Poe and Jessie and a handful of other close friends but their lives were far more busy than hers, juggling work and school, some of them even getting married and having kids. Rey graduated high school early and had finished college years ago. She was a mechanic by trade, though her passions mostly consisted of scavenging for junk parts, creating abstract art out of them. Rey was always glad to have more free time than her friends though it left her with little to do in her time off. 

Finding Finn was exactly the waste of time she needed and Rey was grateful for his friendship. Similarly, Finn held Rey in the highest esteem- after all, she could hold her liquor, outsmoke anyone, and kept his friends entertained long after most partygoers wandered home, too drunk to interact further. Rey's charisma was boundless and she had no shortage of men drooling after her, nor women confused as to whether they wanted to be her or be _with_ her. 

Rey's only fault was her tendency to disappear for weeks at a time, ignoring Finn's texts and the music that echoed through their shared hallway. When she came around again, she came in like a storm, ferocious in her appetite for fun. They would rage all night long until the alcohol was gone and they had smoked themselves into oblivion. 

In her absence, Finn figured she had hopped on a plane and was partying with gods in some remote, exotic place. Little did he know that she was just down the hall where she sat on the floor, drinking herself half to death for a week's time until she snapped out of it and picked up the pieces she tried so hard to hide, tucking them away like laundry left unfolded. 

One day after a particularly wild night, Rey was lounging on Finn's bed, watching the TV upside down as her head hung off the bed. _What are you doing?_ Finn had asked. _Empathizing with sloths,_ was Rey's retort. Finn couldn't tell if Rey was intentionally ridiculous or just accidentally hilarious. He decided she was likely the latter, a fact that made her all the more likable.

There was a knock at Finn's door; when he came back to the room, he had a girl beside him. She was tall for a girl, probably nearly 6 feet tall; she was thin and angular and divine. Her eyes were dark but her skin was pale, a gorgeous contrast against her dark, wavy hair. Realizing she was still upside down, Rey all but slid onto the floor, deciding it was easier than sitting up like a normal person. She stood up, slightly dizzy from being upside down so long. Rey walked over to the girl, reaching out her hand. "I'm Rey," she offered, smiling. 

"Kylie," said the girl. 

It turned out Finn and Kylie had grown up together and she had recently moved back to town having quit her job. Rey tried not to drool as the two old friends caught up. The energy pouring off Kylie set Rey on fire and she thought that if Finn was an angel, Kylie was the devil. Not that she was evil, far from, but she she dark and broody and seemed to emanate intensity that had Rey reeling. 

Rey was quick, clever, and witty so finding herself so incapacitated in front of a stranger was unnerving. She feigned some excuse to leave and headed back to her apartment. Unable to waste any time, as the door shut behind her, Rey leaned against it, slipping her hand under her skirt, making herself come. 

After nearly a week without seeing her, Finn ran into Rey as she was heading to the elevator and invited her to his beach house for the weekend. 

"It'll be fun!" Finn insisted. "We will be drunk all weekend long, and I'll supply the green!"

"You know the way to my heart," Rey said, a smile on her lips that didn't quite meet her eyes. "Okay. Why the hell not?"


	2. won't you lay me down in the tall grass and let me do my stuff?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whiskey + beach magic abounds.

The coast provided a necessary respite from the smoldering heat of the city. The heat index surpassed 100 for the better part of the week and Rey spent most of that time laying on Finn's couch after work, whining incessantly. The heat didn't suit her, she'd explained. Anything over 80 was hot to Rey, having grown up in a cooler climate, and working outside in the garage was brutal despite the plethora of fans lining every corner. The metal of the cars was nearly worse than the air itself; even in the shade, cars exuded a stifling heat.

"You picked the wrong profession," said Finn. "Maybe you should take up hockey."

"And mess up this pretty face?" Rey joked before getting hit in the face with a pillow. "Hey!" she cried. "I'd throw one back but I surrendered my strength to the sun."

The next morning, the duo piled into Finn's car, picking up Poe along the way. Rey packed a bowl, saying "Marco!" and she handed the pipe to Poe who said "Polo!" first. They three of them smoked for a while, cruising down the PCH on their way to Finn's beach house. They smoked themselves silly until the car was filled with laughter at what any sober person would call entirely dull things, like the way a squirrel ran in front of the car, running out of the way at the last moment. 

"I fucking needed this," Rey said after a particular wave of laughter settled. "I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard."

Finn thought about how strange that statement was. From what he knew about Rey, he thought her to be the most charismatic, enchanting, easily amused person he had ever met. He couldn't imagine any absence of laughter in her life. He looked over at Rey who sat reclined in the passenger’s seat. She was looking back towards Poe, cackling at some joke he had made. Rey's knees were bent, her feet perched upon the dashboard. Her toenails were painted black, her shoes long since abandoned on the floor. Her presence was so warm, so full of life. Finn thought all she _did_ was laugh; he couldn't imagine her doing anything else aside from perhaps complaining about the heat. 

By the time the car parked in front of the beach house, Rey swore she was too stoned to get out of the car. "Give me a minute," she said. "I'm willing myself to move." 

"How long will that take?" laughed Poe. 

"It's a hefty process," spoke Rey, seriously. 

Rey's stomach churned. She didn't want to ask whether or not Kylie would be there but she assumed she would be and she still wasn't sure how she felt about it. Besides not knowing the first thing about the girl's sexuality, Rey hardly knew the first thing about _her_. Rey wasn't one to pine but she found herself limitlessly curious about the dark-haired girl. 

Finally, Rey successfully willed herself out of the passenger's seat. It was barely noon but she knew she needed a drink and so she grabbed a beer out of the trunk as she carried a cooler inside. 

An hour and a few beers later, another car pulled up to the house. Finn met the guests at the door, clapping the backs of his friends, saying "the gang's all here!"

Rey tried to seem busy, picking up bottles of beer, pouring fallen soldiers into the sink. She moved on to a bottle of Jack when she heard a "hey" behind her and turned her head to find the girl she was most nervous to see. Rey was thankful for the alcohol in her system; she wasn't as nervous as she had expected to be. Instead, she felt rather giddy. 

"Hey to you, too," she said over her shoulder. Finn, Poe, and Rey had gone for a quick swim earlier and Rey still wore her swim suit, her bikini bottoms and a few inches of waist revealed under the loose tank top she wore. "Want a drink?" she asked Kylie. 

"Is that rhetorical?" Kylie joked, eliciting a laugh from Rey. 

Rey wondered whether her inebriation was misleading her but she could have sworn the energy in the room bordered on sexual. She could almost feel the gaze of Kylie's eyes on her hips, burning her skin, and the warmth traveled straight between her thighs. Instinctively, Rey bit her lip, smiling around it. Catching herself being weird, she ducked her head, smiling still. Whatever the odds, Drunk Rey didn't care. What's the worst that could happen?

Rey poured a shot of whiskey for each of them. "Bottoms up," she said, quirking an eyebrow, eye contact only breaking long enough for the girls to throw back their shots. 

In the other room, a voice said "let's play a game!" and Kylie shrugged, heading back towards the group.

In total, there was six of them: Finn, Rey, Poe, Kylie, Hux, and Phasma. 

"Spin the bottle?" asked Phasma, a ditzy blonde thing. 

"How old are we?" Kylie chimed in. "Let's play never have I ever." 

The group settled in, a gaggle of shot glasses in the middle of the table they all sat around. "Ready to learn everything you didn't want to know about each other?" laughed Rey. "Cheers to that," someone said and Finn poured a round of shots they all threw back. 

"Okay," said Kylie. "The rules are basic. You say something you truly haven't done and everyone who _has_ done it takes a drink. The shots will only be halfway filled so nobody dies before sundown. I suggested the game so I'll go first, then we will go clockwise. So- never have I ever skinny dipped." 

Most of the group took a shot from the table, throwing it back. "Something tells me I'm going to be very drunk" said Rey, eyes rolling. It was true, Rey's thirst for adventure left little on her list of Shit I Haven't Done. 

Within half an hour, it was harder for any guest to think of something they hadn't done and many of them were _drunk_ , Rey especially. The game soon became a battle of the sexes, the boys targeting the girls with easy shots - _never have I ever had a period_ \- and the girls targeting the boys - _never have I ever peed on a wall._

Rey was a terrible game player, as her level of chattiness rose steadily with her level of inebriation. Kylie couldn't help but watch Rey: the way she threw her head back when she laughed, the way her laugh itself consumed Rey's entire spirit; the way she sat on her bent legs, butt on her feet beneath her, body bending forward with her forehead on the table as laughter shook her body. Kylie wasn't the bubbly type, donning a more sarcastic demeanor that was equally amusing in its own right. As she watched Rey, she found herself leeching onto the sunshine that seemed to pour out of her, as though her charisma kissed every soul she encountered. 

Kylie was drawn back to the game as Hux said "do I get a reward for making all of you drink in one go?" 

"Sure, you can be the king of Never Have I Ever," Kylie said, bowing down to him. 

"I'll take it," Hux said. "Never have I ever fucked a dude."

Rey bit her lip, smirking. She was laying on her back now, knees bent and legs crossed. "You lose," she said, pointing at the red head. "I revoke the crown."

Hux was stumped. "You mean- you've _never_ had sex with a guy?"

"Never ever," was her response, shrugging. 

"Not even like, once?" Phasma said, eyes wide. 

"Nope."

"But you've kissed a guy, haven't you?" asked Finn. 

"I mean, I've been _kissed_ by a guy, I just didn't kiss back."

She pulled herself up so she was sitting, her elbows on the table, face in her hands. Rey always looked amused, she seemed to think life was absolutely entertaining at all times and this conversation was no exception. 

"Haven't you ever wondered what it's like?" asked Phasma. 

"Haven't you ever wondered what it's like to fuck a girl?" Rey quizzed back. 

"On that note," said Phasma, "never have I ever fucked a girl."

Rey stopped breathing when she saw Kylie reach for her shot glass, eyes burning holes in Rey's as she lifted the glass to her lips. _There is a god,_ thought Rey, telling herself she might have to take up church. She thought back to the day she'd met Kylie, rushing back to her apartment to touch herself, imagining Kylie's mouth doing sinful things to her and decided church was out of the question. The taller girl saw the blush creep over Rey's cheeks and had to turn away, lest she do something impulsive. 

The game winded to a close shortly after when the bottle of Jack was emptied. 

The sun was still out and Rey thought about how good it felt to be so day drunk. She was used to being stoned in the daytime, the heat drawing all forms of life from her body. Alcohol was another story entirely and Rey felt like she was on top of the world. 

Making their way down to the beach, Rey set out a blanket before all but falling onto it. Laying still, head on her arms, she listened to the sound of the waves, ebbing and flowing and lulling her into a trace. She hardly heard the sound of a body laying down beside her but the voice cut through her thoughts.

"You asleep?" 

Rey slowly smiled, her eyes opening momentarily to glance toward Kylie. "Nope," she said, closing her eyes again. "You drank," Rey said. 

"I drank?" asked Kylie, amused. 

"You drank," Rey said again, still smiling through shut eyes. 

Kylie knew what she meant. She had slept with a woman. Multiple women, even. "I drank," she confirmed. 

"Wanna do it again?" Rey asked, propping herself up on her elbows to smirk at the other girl, the alcohol speaking for her. 

"I wouldn't be opposed."

Rey buried her face in her hands then, knowing she'd regret this conversation when she sobered up. For now, her body was on fire and she wasn't sure she could blame the sun. 

She must have fallen asleep because when she woke up, it was dark. The moon cast its light out over the sea, the ridges of the waves illuminated as though lit by gods themselves. It was a gorgeous site and Rey thanked the cosmos for the isolation of the small beach town, unpolluted by the city lights she was accustomed to. Stars shimmered above her and Rey reached up, as though she could touch the incandescent orbs. 

Rey was startled out of her reverie when a sudden movement stirred beside her. She gasped, clutching onto a blanket which had been draped over her body. 

She heard a laugh, holy and low. "It's just me," said Kylie. Rey released the breath she hadn't realized she was holding and with it came a chorus of laughter.

" _Fuck,_ " she breathed as her laughter subsided. Silence drifted over the girls, the kind of welcome silence that didn't require words. Rey heard Kylie turn over, her arm now resting just slightly against Rey's, their soft hairs touching more than the skin itself. 

"I've never seen stars like this," said Rey. 

"Never?" Kylie asked and Rey shook her head. 

"I haven't travelled besides moving from one city to another," Rey said. "I never really had the chance."

"Your parents didn't get out much?" Kylie asked. 

"I don't have parents," said Rey quietly. She didn't know why she was telling Kylie this, she was fairly certain she hadn't mentioned her childhood to Finn once over months of friendship. Rey didn't offer more and Kylie didn't pry. 

"The city can be nice though. There's a comfort in knowing you're never alone. There's this spot off Mulholland where these homeless people live, behind the bushes. This man told me the cops granted them amnesty when they provided vital information in a murder case. They just _stay_ there, you know? I've never stayed in one place as long as they've been there. They have a community, they're content."

"How did you meet them?" Rey asked. 

"When I can't sleep, I just walk around. You'll find the most peculiar things late at night."

"You made friends with homeless people in bushes late at night? Is that even safe?" Rey asked. 

Kylie turned her head towards Rey, the glow of the moon illuminating her face. Her pale skin looked radiant in the dark, the contrast against her hair threatening to take Rey's breath away. Kylie looked like she was considering this for the first time.. "Probably not," she agreed, finally. "Safety isn't a top priority though."

"So what is?" 

"Adventure, maybe."

"Cheers to that," Rey joked. 

Turning her gaze back to the sky, Rey reached up again, drawing lines between the constellations she knew. 

"So how do you know Finn?" Kylie asked. 

"I locked myself out of my apartment in a desperate attempt to save myself from certain death at the hands of a broken air conditioner."

"Do those have hands?" Kylie joked, Rey nudging her shoulder in response. That comfortable silence set over them again and Rey closed her eyes, letting the ocean's tide consume her. She thought of the afternoon, vaguely remembering the conversation preceding her oceanside nap. 

"I'm sorry for being so... _direct_ earlier. I'm not usually so crass," said Rey. 

"Don't apologize to me," said Kylie. "I'm not complaining. You're bold, it's not that common. You don't have to apologize for being honest. It's actually refreshing."

"Oh yeah?"

" _Oh_ yeah." 

Rey smiled and she could have sworn she felt Kylie smile by energy alone. 

"So what do you do?" asked Kylie. 

"I'm a mechanic. I meant to become an engineer but the schooling took longer and I didn't have the time."

Kylie wondered what Rey had meant by that. She wanted to ask but, instead, she stowed it away for later. 

"So you're good with your hands, then?" Kylie teased, turning her head to look at Rey. 

Rey met her gaze, their mouths mere inches apart. "Wouldn't you like to know?" asked Rey, her grin wicked. 

Kylie nearly closed the space between them, their lips all but touching. "I would," she breathed, lust heavy on her tongue. 

Rey kissed her first, her lips gentle against Kylie's as though convinced the taller girl would change her mind. Trying to keep her hunger in check, Rey let Kylie be the first to introduce their tongues, gliding it across Rey's lower lip, begging for entrance. Rey opened her mouth further, melting at the feeling of their tongues colliding. She hadn't known Kylie but a month and had only encountered her that one time but she'd be lying if she said she didn't hope this would happen. 

As the kiss grew in intensity, Rey gently pushed Kylie back, climbing atop her. She admired the girl beneath her, her dewy skin glowing under the moon's light, her hair splayed beautifully around her head. She looked hungry - _starved_ even - and when Rey brushed the hair off her neck and brought her lips to the space below her ear, Kylie groaned. 

There were a handful of simple pleasures in life that Rey didn't think she would want to live without: the satisfaction of bringing a dead car back to life, the moment she finished an art installation, and, above all, the sound of a woman keening beneath her. Of course, the latter surpassed all others and the stars and the moon and the steady lull of the ocean only added to the magic. Rey nipped at Kylie’s earlobe and held her hip as she squirmed beneath her. Rey pulled back to smile at her and though Kylie couldn't see the smaller girl’s face, hidden by the shadows, the energy that poured out of her was intoxicating. 

Rey placed a leg between Kylie's thighs, rubbing against her center as Kylie's breathing hitched. “So- fucking- hot,” Rey purred against the other girl’s ear; she gasped, grinding harder against Rey. Rey loved discovering every woman’s particularly sensitive spots and locating the first of Kylie’s was easy enough. She licked and nipped at Kylie’s ear for only a moment longer before returning to her mouth, hovering just above her, their breaths merging, creating galaxies between them. Rey kissed Kylie again, hard, swallowing the gasps of the girl beneath her as though they were sustenance necessary for life. 

Holding her weight on one arm, the other hand crept down Kylie's side, settling on the space below her breast, her thumb tracing the curve she found there. Kylie moaned, the touch only fueling the need between her legs. As if on cue, Rey's hand continued its journey down Kylie's side, a feathery-light touch breaking goosebumps out over her skin. Kylie thought she might implode if Rey didn't touch her soon; she had never been so turned on by foreplay before and she couldn't wait for more. 

“ _Please,_ ” Kylie begged, writhing beneath Rey.

“Tell me what you want,” said Rey. 

“I _need_ you to touch me- please-“ 

Kylie hadn't noticed Rey’s hand slipping into the bottoms of her bikini until a finger traced its way across her slit. Kylie’s breathing stalled, nothing but silence as Rey watched her face melt, her mouth falling open, her eyelids fluttering softly. Instead, it was Rey who groaned, feeling how hot and wet and _ready_ Kylie was. 

“Fuck,” said Rey, groaning. As she dipped her finger just inside of Kylie, slicking her finger with her wetness, she kissed the other girl with a ferocity she had kept in check until now. Her finger slid higher, finding Kylie’s clit as she rubbed gentle circles into her, eliciting the most delicious of sounds. 

Kylie’s breathing was now ragged and Rey thought it must be an unparalleled high. She needed more, she needed to make Kylie forget her name. Kylie had said she'd seen stars as beautiful as the ones they saw tonight but Rey wanted to show her a different kind of star, the kind that hid behind eyelids as the world ignited around her. Rey experimented slipping a finger into Kylie, breaking away from their kiss to search for confirmation on the other girl’s face. 

“Please,” Kylie begged again, so Rey added a second finger into Kylie's pussy and picked up her pace. Rey bent lower, biting aside the material on Kylie’s bikini. For someone with so little body fat, Rey was surprised by the size of Kylie's boobs. They weren't _huge_ but they were full and delicious. Rey licked at her nipple, pulling back to blow cold air against it. Kylie groaned, amazed that just when she thought she couldn't feel any better, Rey did something to up the ante significantly. As if on cue, Rey looked up towards Kylie, grinning wickedly before she kissed her way down the girl’s body, pausing for permission when she got to her bikini bottoms. Kylie licked her lips, her eyes pleading. 

Rey removed her hand to pull Kylie's swim suit down and off; when Kylie groaned at the loss of Rey’s fingers, the smaller girl laughed gently. “Patience,” she purred. 

Now free from the swim suit, Rey looked at Kylie’s pussy. She was trimmed short, save for a subtle landing strip, and Rey groaned. Rey was desperate to taste her but wanted to prolong the anticipation; she placed kisses to the spots where Kylie’s legs met her body, holding her hips down as she tried desperately to get Rey where she needed her. Finally obliging, Rey ran the flat of her tongue across Kylie’s clit. Kylie gasped, her hips bucking at the sensation. As Rey sucked at Kylie’s clit, her fingers came down to join her once again. She quickly slipped two fingers into Kylie whose moans grew louder at the sudden pleasure, unable to refrain. 

Rey continued to work at Kylie, finding a pressure and a speed that the girl seemed responsive to. Rey hooked her fingers upwards, pressing into the spot that made Kylie’s toes curl, flicking her fingers back and forth over it as she continued her assault on Kylie’s clit. Rey instinctively dug the nails of her free hand into Kylie’s hip and the sensation set the girl over the edge. Kylie’s hand was tangled in Rey’s hair as she held her there, thrusting and crying out, her orgasm washing over her, her pussy clenching against Rey's fingers. 

As her groans subsided, Rey crawled back up Kylie's body, kissing her neck as she came down from the high. Kylie cradled Rey’s face in her hands, pulling her in for a kiss. Kylie's tongue was in the other girl’s mouth in a second, moaning at the taste of herself on Rey. 

Kylie sat up, pulled Rey onto her lap. Rey ground her hips into Kylie’s and Kylie felt Rey's wetness even through her swim suit. The girl on top sat higher on her knees, allowing space between them for hands to wander. Kylie slipped her hand underneath the material of Rey's suit; as soon as she felt Rey’s pussy (which was _impossibly_ wet) they heard their names called through the night. 

“Kylie? Rey? Are you guys out there? We thought we heard something.”

Rey groaned, her head falling against Kylie’s shoulder in defeat. 

“Tell him we’re okay,” said Kylie into Rey’s ear. 

“We’re fi-“ Rey began until Kylie slipped a finger into Rey’s core. 

“Keep talking,” said Kylie, her lips on Rey’s throat. 

“We’re fine?” Rey tried again, her voice barely more than a whisper. She gasped, moaning involuntarily as Kylie’s fingers pounded into her. 

“Are you okay?” Finn called again into the darkness. 

Kylie showed some mercy and slowed her movements, providing Rey the opportunity to send him back inside before he broke up their tryst. 

“We will be back in soon, we are good,” she said. He must have been okay with that response as he turned around and headed back towards the door. 

“We _are_ good,” Kylie purred. “You're good with your hands after all.”

“Not so bad yourself,” Rey choked out as Kylie’s fingers began pressing into her again. “ _Fuck,_ ” she added as Kylie picked up her pace. 

Kylie's hand rubbed against Rey’s clit as Rey fucked herself down onto the other girl’s hand. 

“ _Oh, god-“_ Rey groaned, her orgasm quickly building, perhaps from the memory of getting Kylie off or the thrill of nearly being caught.

When Kylie pressed her fingers against Rey’s g-spot, her palm providing ample pressure for her clit, Rey cried out, leaning forward to bite at Kylie’s shoulder to keep from screaming. Even still, Rey was loud and Kylie groaned along with her as she worked her way down from the orgasm. 

“Jesus Christ,” Rey said, her face pressed into Kylie’s neck. Kylie removed her hand from between their bodies and, without breaking eye contact, slipped each finger into her mouth, licking off the taste of Rey. 

“Are you trying to kill me?” Rey groaned 

"Not a chance,” responded Kylie. “We need to do that again before you die.” 

“ _Fuck,_ ” said Rey, panting in Kylie’s arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this before bed last night and ended up dreaming of this scene. Enough said? Unf.


	3. you can take me to paradise but then again, you can be cold as ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feels, feels, and more feels.

Back inside the house, all was quiet. Rey assumed the other four friends had paired up and turned in for the night. Phasma and Hux were a given, considering they were basically married. But Finn and Poe?

“They're totally banging,” said Kylie, as if reading Rey's mind. 

As they walked through the house, the suspicion was confirmed as carnal sounds came from two rooms.

Rey covered her ears, feigning disgust. “I suppose ‘beach house’ was a euphemism for brothel.” 

Kylie pushed Rey’s shoulder playfully and the smaller girl grinned. Having been to the house before, Kylie lead the way upstairs. 

The room was big, painted a light gray; the bed looked plush, covered in a fluffy white duvet. Kylie fell backwards into the bed as Rey looked around. 

“Holy shit, this _tub_ ,” said Rey. “How did the rest of them not swoop this room up first?” 

“I have permanent dibs on it,” Kylie explained. “One time, probably five years ago, Finn wanted to hook up with this guy we met in town. He was obviously gay but totally not out so Finn said if I lured him into a threesome, I could have anything I wanted. I think he was imagining I'd pick a gram of coke or something but instead, I made this room my bitch,” Kylie said, stretching out over the bed. 

“So what happened with the threesome?”

“Thankfully it didn't happen, for me at least. We all took ecstasy and they fucked while I rolled around naked on the sheepskin carpet for hours, listening to The Bird and the Bee.”

“I don't know that band,” Rey said. 

“Oh god, you poor soul. They're incredible, my go-to psychedelic music, though it was still glorious on E.” 

“Everything is glorious on E,” Rey teased. 

“Sheepskin included.”

“So I'm thinking, it would be a shame not to make the most of that bath tub…” 

“I'll go grab some things,” Kylie said before heading downstairs. 

Rey sat on the edge of the tub, waiting for the other girl to return. Alone for the first time that evening, she had a moment to think about the events that had transpired since arriving at the beach house. Rey made a habit of keeping most people at arm’s length, friends and partners alike. As far as partners went, she really didn't do the girlfriend thing. Her flings were fleeting; she usually deleted numbers from her phone within a week, moving on to the next waste of time quickly and without thought. Rey thought attachments were messy and she knew that with attachments came the terrifying reality that somebody would see through her “let's have fun!” façade and realize just how fucked up she was. Rey had spent most of her life adapting and surviving and while her methods weren't healthy, escapism always seemed like her best bet. It was only escape or perish. 

Kylie wandered back in the room with bottles of water, a pipe, and some weed and grabbed her phone off the bed. 

“I like the way you think,” said Rey. Kylie put the things down on the small shelf in the corner of the bath tub and and Rey walked behind her, untying the strings of her bikini, easing it off the taller girl. When Kylie looked back towards Rey, Rey noticed the other girl was _blushing_. 

“Are you _shy?_ ” Rey asked, terrible amused. 

“Isn't everybody, at least to an extent?” questioned Kylie. 

Rey grabbed Kylie's hand, turning the girl around to face her. Rey made a point to not look at Kylie's boobs, lest she lost her composure. 

“I'm not,” said Rey, removing her own swim suit top. Rey’s boobs were smaller than Kylie's, a nice small handful, the kind of boobs Kylie always wanted so she could go without a bra. 

Rey sauntered towards Kylie, hooking her finger into the top of the girl’s bikini bottoms. Maintaining eye contact all the while, Rey said “I'll show you mine if you show me yours?” 

“You're incorrigible,” said Kylie and Rey laughed, head tipping back the way it so often did. 

“Mood ruiner,” Rey accused. 

“You were being facetious anyway!”

“Guilty as charged,” said Rey, holding up her hands as if to surrender. “But in _all seriousness,_ ” began Rey, “if there is a good, he must _really_ like you.”

Kylie shot a sideways glance at Rey. 

“I'm being serious! Have you seen yourself even _once?!_ ” 

Rey pulled Kylie by the hand, dragging her over to the mirror. “Look!” Rey said, enthusiastically, extending a hand towards Kylie’s reflection. 

“Well, I'm seeing _something_ delicious,” spoke Kylie, looking at Rey through the mirror. 

Rey moved in front of Kylie, reaching up to whisper in her ear. “One day, I'm going to make you come as you watch yourself in the mirror. Then you can see what I saw tonight and you'll never look at yourself the same way again.” 

“Already planning for ‘one day’?” Kylie teased and Rey froze. Well, she did dig that grave herself but she wished it were an actual grave she could hop into and hope the earth would swallow her whole. 

Realizing she hit a nerve, Kylie brushed it off, veering their attentions elsewhere. She stepped unceremoniously out of her bikini bottoms and sank into the tub. Reaching over towards the shelf, Kylie began packing a bowl. 

“You coming?” she asked and Rey acquiesced, pulling her swim suit down over her hips and stepping in. 

Kylie passed Rey the pipe as she reached for her phone, turning on music. “The Bird and the Bee, since you said you hadn't heard of them.”

“If I hate it will you kick me out of the dibs room?” Rey teased, blowing out her hit. Kylie was glad Rey got over that moment of weirdness a minute ago. It was too soon for weirdness. Rey passed the pipe to Kylie who lit the bowl, letting the smoke billow out of her mouth for a second before inhaling it through her nose. Rey bit her lip, a sucker for smoke tricks. 

The combination of the hot bath, beautiful girl, marijuana, and cerebral music melded into a perfect experience; if ever there was a moment Rey felt safe, it was now. 

“So you're not from around here?” Kylie asked seemingly out of the blue. 

“I bounced around between family members in Illinois when I was young. When I'd exhausted all relatives, I was stuck in foster homes and eventually a group home or three. I moved to Los Angeles to escape it all when I finished college.” Rey said. She didn't sound sad, rather detached. “I figured it was a good enough place to pick up the pieces.”

“Have you picked them all up yet?”

“I don't think I've even started,” Rey said, smiling grimly. “At least there's plenty to do here. What about you? You said you traveled a lot?”

“Sure, we vacationed when I was young, I've seen plenty... I mostly just have a restless personality though, it doesn't keep me in one place long. I was most recently in Oregon. You should see _those_ stars.” 

Rey’s eyes were closed. Kylie wondered whether she was imagining the stars or the ghosts of her past. 

“Hey, Rey?” At that, Rey opened her eyes. 

“Yeah?”

“What happened to your parents? You don't have to tell me-“ she stammered. “I'm just curious.”

Her eyes closed again. “Nothing happened to them,” she began. “They just didn't want to be parents, I guess. I wish they had realized it when I was a baby.”

“How old were you?”

“Six.”

Kylie closed her own eyes then. _Six_. Kylie had memories of being six, falling from a tree at a park, her mother pulling a splinter from her foot, her first grade teacher teaching her to spell b-e-c-a-u-s-e. It hurt Kylie inexplicably to imagine Rey’s memories of six. She bet she remembered it all in excruciating detail and she understand her desire for them to have left sooner. 

When Kylie opened her eyes, Rey’s were open as well, watching her. She saw an expression on Rey’s face she hadn't seen before; she looked desolate, scared. Kylie wanted to reach out for her but knew she'd run away like a fox, fight or flight kicking in.

The music droned on and without vocalizing it, both girls thought about how fitting the song was. 

_You work so hard_  
_Just to light a little fire_  
_Just to make things happen_  
_For a reason_  
_Just to get so tired  
_Just to feel every  
_Itty bitty god damned  
_Bone in your body  
_ ___

They talked for hours, packing bowl after bowl, refilling the tub with hot water frequently. By the time the phone died and the music ended, Rey was on Kylie, kissing her like she could patch the thinned out spots in her soul if only she kissed her enough. 

Rey had never opened up to someone the way she just had with Kylie. She didn't know what had compelled her, and she knew she'd regret it, suffering the mental consequences as soon as the night was through and so she made the night last as long as possible. The girls fucked over and over again and it was the closest to “making love” Rey had ever come. Rey thought about how easy it would be to love Kylie, to let Kylie love her back... 

As soon as Kylie fell asleep, the sun creeping up outside the window, Rey grabbed her purse, calling a cab. She was gone before Kylie ever stirred and she cried the entire way home.


	4. like a cat in the dark

In her darkest moments, Rey remembered being young; she was small for her age, eyes like honey and scared even then. The demons that haunted her lived under the bed, grasping and nipping at both her heels and consciousness with a tenacity that convinced Rey they were real. She possessed no lack of intellect: she knew there were no monsters under the bed, yet the nightmares of her childhood haunted her still. When the world seemed to twist and crack around her, she writhed on the floor, sobbing, breaking, and she'd slowly, without intention, turn to look under the bed. With her eyes turned to the darkness, her pupils dilating at the sight, her fears diminished and she'd hope and pray the darkness would consume her. In those moments, Rey realized the pit inside of her - the tar that spilled and filled her soul - had the power to turn terror into an asylum. She realized there were no monsters under the bed; she was the monster. 

The respite came in waves, only discernible to those who understood the darkness. But there would be no respite today, Rey understood, so she threw back a swig of whiskey from the bottle in her hand and closed her eyes. 

A knock at the door startled Rey, causing her to drop the bottle. _Fuck,_ Rey cursed, observing the small puddle of booze on the floor. Rey assumed only one person would be knocking at her door and the voice that followed confirmed it was in fact Finn. 

“Seriously, Rey, if you're in there, open the door. I'm worried sick about you. Just let me know you're okay.”

Finn had come by both yesterday morning and night but Rey had ignored him. This time, Rey got up. She paused in front of the door, weighing her options. Deciding it was the least she could do, she opened the door slightly, enough for him to see her but not enough for him to barge in. 

“I'm alive,” she said. 

She looked like shit. She was wasted and appeared to have been crying for a day straight. She wore an oversized sleep shirt and underwear, her hair thrown into a tangled, messy bun. 

“Can we talk? What is going on? You left a note saying _I'm sorry_ and nobody has heard from you in days. We thought you were dead, rotting in there.”

“I'm alive,” she said again. “Please, Finn, I can't…”

Rey couldn't even make eye contact with her friend. 

“I fucked up. I got scared, I… I don't know what to do, I can't do this..” Rey walked away from the open door and Finn followed her in, shutting the door behind him. 

“What are you scared of?” asked Finn. 

“Didn't she tell you?” Rey scoffed. 

“She didn't tell me anything, Rey. She said when she woke up, you were gone. That's it.”

At least one of the girls wasn't a piece of shit. 

“Is she- is she okay?” Rey asked; she hadn't wanted to ask but she needed to know. She may have run but it wasn't because she didn't _like_ Kylie. Rey hadn't stopped thinking of her for a minute. 

“She's confused and hurt.” Finn didn't want to tell Rey how Kylie proceeded to get drunk at 8 in the morning; by the time the rest of the group woke up, she was so hammered she couldn't walk. She didn't say a word for the most of the day, instead she took a cab into town and came back with an 8 ball of cocaine. _I pushed too far,_ Kylie said, late that night. _I just want to know her._

“I fucked up,” Rey said again. “I don't know why this is so hard, why letting someone in makes me want to run. What's wrong with me?”

“You can make it right,” Finn said. 

Rey shook her head furiously. “You don't understand,” she said. 

When he left, Finn gave her Kylie's address. “Just in case,” he said. 

Rey stared at the paper for hours. She could let it go, avoid Kylie the rest of their lives, find a new stoner in her building to hang out with. Despite her fears, a stronger part of her didn't _want_ to run. She wanted to find Kylie and explain herself, apologize. 

Rey assessed herself in the mirror: she was a fucking mess. She laid down in bed for a while, icing her swollen eyes and listening to The Bird and the Bee. _At least she has good taste in music, if not in women,_ Rey thought. 

_Give me a push, a little push in one direction_  
I might need a little help with my own interconnection  
I want an empty head, I want to go to bed for a long, long, long time 

By the time she got out of the shower, she was feeling slightly more human. She had sobered up enough to function, though not enough to drive so she set out on foot, thankful Kylie only lived a handful of blocks away and the sun had set hours ago. 

Rey hadn't bothered with makeup aside from some concealer to cover the bags under her eyes and her hair was up again in a messy bun. By the time she got to Kylie’s house, she was nearly sweating despite the time of night. Kylie’s house was cute, a small, teal craftsman in a charming neighborhood. Rey always found it interesting how little communities like this existed in the city, it seemed worlds apart from the bustle of the metropolis, only mere streets away. The house looked dark and Rey cursed under her breath, hoping Kylie was actually home. She approached the door and stood there, willing herself to knock. When she finally did, there was no answer. She sat down on the steps leading up to the door, resting her head against a cobblestone pillar. 

Rey thought about her life. She had never felt like a victim, despite her circumstances; it had never occurred to Rey that she could be a victim. If anything, Rey felt guilty, convinced all the bad that she lived through had been her fault. Now more than ever, the guilt was almost suffocating and she struggled not to cry. Rey was so far in her head that she hadn't heard footsteps approaching. It was only when she heard a quiet “hey” did she look up. 

A second or two passed before Rey responded and another few seconds before Kylie moved from where she stood. 

“Want to come in?” she asked and Rey nodded. Kylie gave her a hand to help her up and, to Rey's surprise, she didn't let go. Maybe she thought Rey would run again because she didn't let go until the door shut behind them. 

Rey opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. She looked down, swallowing. “I, uh- I'm sorry, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.”

“There's nothing wrong with you,” said Kylie. “I understand- not _personally_ , I guess, but I can empathize. It was- it was a lot, you know?” 

Rey stood there, staring at the floor. 

“Hey,” said Kylie softly, taking Rey’s hand again. “Are you okay?”

Rey looked up, finally meeting Kylie's eyes. “I- I don't know. I guess probably no. I'm a fucking mess, Kylie. I don't think I can make you happy.”

“You're not responsible for my happiness, you know that, right? You're not responsible for anybody's happiness. If I choose to be sad or to be hurt or anything else, that's on me. People always have that choice.”

“So were you? Sad or hurt or anything else?” asked Rey.

“Yeah, I was. I take some responsibility too, though.”

“Why?” 

“I pried. I shouldn't have. We hardly know each other.”

Rey bit her lip. “That's the thing, though. You now know me more than anyone, probably anyone ever. I don't _do_ this.”

“This…?” Kylie asked. 

“Feelings. Sharing. I don't know, this is just new to me. I don't let people in, I don't know how to do this. I don't _date_ people, I don't know what compelled me to open up to you…” Rey said, trailing off 

“I like to think it's because you felt safe,” said Kylie, smiling weakly. “Did you?” 

Rey could feel her heart in her chest. She couldn't understand why people thought “intimacy” was a sexual word. Sex wasn't intimate to Rey, it was a physical matter, a shallow, fun waste of time. But _this_ , being here with Kylie, baring her soul, _this_ was intimate and the thought left Rey trembling. 

“Yes,” Rey said, finally. 

“Are you afraid of me?” asked Kylie. 

“No,” Rey responded quickly. 

“So what are you afraid of?”

Rey thought about it for a minute. “You finding out what a mess I am,” she finally deduced.

“I can handle it,” said Kylie, her smile widening. 

Kylie walked towards her living room, nodding for Rey to follow her. “You want a drink?” 

“Yes, please,” Rey said, remembering the hot walk over here. “Water would be great.”

Rey sat on the couch as Kylie disappeared to the kitchen. There were moving boxes against one wall, most of them opened, contents strewn about. Kylie came back, two glasses in hand, and sat down next to Rey. 

Seeing Rey look towards the boxes, she explained. “I just moved in. Well, a couple months ago. I haven't gotten around to fully unpacking. I hadn't decided how long I'd be staying, I guess.”

“It's a nice house,” Rey said. “It's cute.”

“My parents bought it for me. They're local, they live in the Palisades. I guess they were tired of their only child never staying around long, so this is my ball and chain,” she said, smiling. 

“What do your parents do?” Rey asked.

“My mom is a politician, she works on the democratic campaign trail. My dad is an investor but he's kind of a crook.”

“That can't make your mom look good, can it?”

“He's a sneaky crook,” Kylie said, laughing. “I think the best thing he's taught me is how to not get caught. It made it pretty hard to discipline me though so they sent me to boarding school.” 

“Was it all girls?” Rey asked. 

“It was,” said Kylie, a wicked grin on her face. “It was fun.”

“That hardly sounds like punishment to me,” Rey said, grinning. 

“Oh, I'm sure.” Kylie wanted to kiss her but didn't want to end up fucking and abandoning the conversation so she looked away, a small blush spreading across her cheeks. 

Rey took the cue and changed the conversation. “So you said you're a bartender but I've never seen you around.”

“I work at Exotic City,” Kylie said, eyes widening in mock horror. 

“The _strip club?_ You sure you're just a bartender?” Rey joked. 

“I may have gotten up on stage a time or two, after hours. I'm seriously not graceful though. You don't want to see me strip, your retinas will thank you.”

“I somehow doubt that,” Rey said, her eyes piercing the other girl’s. She thought of the way Kylie had moved beneath her at the beach house, the way she writhed with a fluidity that took Rey’s breath away. Rey realized Kylie had no idea how gorgeous she was and she wanted to find a way to show her, someday. Someday. Rey wanted a someday with Kylie, but would Kylie want one with her?

“Do you think I'm crazy?” asked Rey, suddenly. 

Kylie looked taken aback at the question. “I think you have had a shit life and it would be crazy for that to _not_ affect you. But no, I don't think you're crazy, not like that.”

“I'm really a mess,” said Rey. 

“We all have baggage,” said Kylie. 

Rey considered this. She turned sideways to face Kylie on the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest. “So what's yours?”

“Probably pretty close to yours, honestly. My reaction to stress is to self destruct. I've ODed like three times. I've had alcohol poisoning a few more times than that. There are hospitals where I'm known by name. See, you're not the only messy one.” 

“What did you OD on?” asked Rey. They had spent so long digging into Rey's past in the bath at the beach house; Rey wanted to know more about Kylie's. 

“Heroin,” she said. “I haven't touched it in years.” 

“So what's your vice now?”

“A little bit of everything, I guess. I try to keep it fun but I slip up occasionally,” Kylie said, thinking of her recent cocaine bender. “Old habits die hard, right?”

“Right,” agreed Rey. 

“On that note!” Kylie got up and returned with some weed and rolling papers. “Shall we?”

“How could I refuse?” asked Rey, smiling. 

Kylie rolled a joint. As she lit it and passed it to Rey she said, “hey, do you want to go on a date with me tomorrow?”

“A date?” asked Rey, incredulously. Rey had just been an asshole, days before, creeping off in the night with no explanation yet Kylie wanted to take her on a _date_? “I can't remember the last time I went on a date.”

“Honestly, neither can I. We can do something casual. No pressure.”

Rey was smiling. She had been asked on dates, sure. She usually made some excuse, went home and deleted the girl’s number. This time, however, she just smiled. 

“Come here,” Rey said softly, dropping her knees from their position at her chest, reaching out a hand towards the other girl. 

Kylie put out the joint and took the girl’s hand, letting Rey pull her onto her body. Rey brushed the hair out of Kylie’s face, tucking the strand behind her ear. 

“We can go on a date,” Rey said before reaching up to kiss her. Rey felt the smile on Kylie’s lips; she pulled away, just barely, and whispered onto Kylie’s lips “stop smiling and _kiss_ me.”

 

Later that night, the girls were laying in Kylie’s bed, limbs intertwined and the scent of sex surrounding them. 

“Tell me a secret?” Rey asked. 

“Oh I have many of those,” Kylie said, giggling. “Umm… Okay. When we were like twelve, Finn had this cat, his name was Eight. He was this little orange tabby, and Finn loved him. One day, I went over to Finn’s house to steal a beer when nobody was home and I guess I left the back door open because Eight escaped. Finn was crushed. He had lost so many cats and he beat himself up, thinking he left the door open. I felt like such an asshole but I couldn't bring myself to fess up. Thankfully his birthday was a few weeks later and I convinced my mom to get him a cat, Nine.” 

“Oh my god, you lost Finn's cat?!” 

“But wait, it gets worse! A few years later, Finn and I had just picked up some shrooms and Nine ate some of them. We didn't realize anything was wrong with the cat because we were on shrooms too, you know? We just thought he was being super funny. But then we went in the back yard to go in the jacuzzi and I left the door open _again_ and Nine got out. He was allowed out sometimes when people were paying attention to him but we totally weren't. He wandered away and never came back.”

Rey was incredibly amused; she rolled onto her belly, her head in her hands, looking up at Kylie. “You're a cat killer!” she accused. 

“I know, right? It was awful. Imagine it: you're _tripping_ and you realize you are to blame for two of your best friend’s cats getting away. I was wracked with guilt, I had the worst trip.”

“So did you get Finn Ten as a second replacement?” Rey asked, referencing Finn’s current cat. 

“No way,” said Kylie. “I was convinced I was bad luck, and it's probably true. Ten is still kicking, a decade later. He'd have been long gone if I bought him.” 

“Good thing I'm not a cat person,” said Rey, burying her head in Kylie’s bare stomach to suppress her giggle. 

Rey nipped at the skin on Kylie’s stomach and when she yelped, Rey pressed a lingering kiss to the spot, making her squirm. 

“Now you tell me a secret,” Kylie said. 

“Let me think,” said Rey. “Okay, I got one. Remember the first day we met?”

“Oh, you mean the time you were pretending to be a sloth?”

“Oh god,” said Rey, remembering. “Great first impression,” she muttered. 

“I liked it.”

“Okay so yes, the day I was pretending to be a sloth. I don't know what it was but you walked into the room, this gorgeous, tall, leggy thing and I completely lost my cool. I pride myself in being fairly clever and enigmatic upon meeting new people: cool, calm, collected, that whole thing but you did something to me. I was just like, stupefied and in awe of you. You didn't say much but I hung on to every word and was so turned on. I literally rushed back to my apartment and made myself come.” 

“You did not,” Kylie said. 

“I did. I seriously did.” 

“I'd like you to reenact that one day. I'll just be the fly on the wall.”

“I'll see what I can do,” teased Rey. 

“You know, it's actually pretty ironic,” said Kylie. “In my secret, I made a kitty _go_ ; in yours, you made a kitty come.”

Rey grinned wickedly up at Kylie, her head still at stomach level. “I guess I'm pretty good at that,” she said. 

Rey kissed Kylie’s side, right on the spot Rey had learned made the other girl squirm. Kylie groaned above her, weaving her fingers in Kylie’s hair. Rey's hand crept between Kylie’s legs, settling just close enough to her center to make Kylie moan, pleading wordlessly. Rey loved to tease Kylie, a game she knew she could win every time. Rey kissed higher, her tongue tracing the cavern between Kylie’s breasts; as she moved higher for access, her hand slid closer to Kylie’s pussy, just barely touching her and Kylie tried fruitlessly to grind onto her hand. 

“So impatient,” Rey admonished before dragging a tongue around Kylie’s nipple. The dark-haired girl keened, dropping her head back against the pillows. Rey smiled against Kylie’s skin and, ever so slowly, dragged a finger along her slit. Kylie’s breathing hitched and as she released it, she let out a small groan. 

Taking that as permission, Rey slipped a finger inside Kylie, slowly working it in and out as she continued to lick and nip at her breasts. 

“Please- stop teasing…” Kylie whined through small gasps. It was Rey's turn to groan, hearing the hunger in Kylie's voice. Rey moved upwards and as she reached Kylie’s mouth she added a second finger, picking up the pace as she kissed the girl. Rey’s thumb began to rub against Kylie’s clit in circular motions and Kylie broke the kiss, gasping. 

Rey worked her way back down Kylie’s body, replacing her thumb with her mouth, delighting in the heady moan coming from the girl. Rey moved Kylie’s leg over her shoulder for better access and worked her fingers harder. Kylie was keening, her sounds desperate. Rey groaned against Kylie’s clit, eliciting an “oh, _fuck_ , Rey” which only fueled her on more. 

Kylie was propped up on her elbows, watching Rey. Her face was flushed, her mouth parted as she panted, moaning. Rey didn't take her eyes off Kylie as she came undone; her eyes fluttered shut, her eyebrows furrowed together. The sounds falling from Kylie's open mouth were sinful and delicious and as she clenched against Rey’s fingers, her jaw quivered; Rey thought it to be the most captivating sight. 

Rey crawled back up to Kylie, cozying up behind her. “You're delicious,” Rey whispered in her ear and Kylie shuddered, her shudder followed by a yawn. Rey looked at the clock, 2:04. 

“When did it get so late?” Rey groaned. She clicked the light off beside them, pulled the covers up over them, and nestled into the back of Kylie's neck. 

“I owe you one,” Kylie said, voice sleepy and spent. 

“Maybe after our _date_ tomorrow,” Rey said and Kylie moaned her contentedness. 

“I have another secret,” said Rey, whispering. “I've never just _slept_ with anyone before.”

“Never?” asked Kylie. 

“Never,” Rey confirmed. “This seems as a good a time as any though.” 

Kylie could feel Rey smile into her neck and she returned the sentiment into the dark. 

When Kylie woke up, Rey was gone and she found another note on the bedside table. 

_Don't worry, just work this time. You looked too pretty to wake you up. I can't wait for tonight. Rey_


	5. sweet, wonderful you

To say Rey was nervous would be an understatement and as she paced her room, she realized she could count the number of dates she'd had on one hand with fingers to spare. They were fine, usually people she'd met out and about; they'd done something mundane, like dinner and a movie and when they'd taken Rey home, she fucked them and snuck away in the night. She had always justified that there was just no spark, no reason to call again but she knew, in some secret part of her, that the idea of being close to someone was too unsettling. She had been alone all her life and of the friends she did make, she knew she couldn't get too close to them because she wouldn't be around long anyway. Every person in Rey’s life had been fleeting until she graduated college and found herself in Los Angeles. She had been here four years and in that time, the only relationship she allowed herself to truly rely on was Poe’s friendship. Her other friends were in and out of her life and Rey knew better than to become attached. 

Here she was though, going on a date with a woman whose beauty made her heart race. The date wasn't an incentive for sex the way all the others had been; after all, she'd already had sex with Kylie. This was foreign and scary but the fact that she was doing it at all provided a sliver of hope for Rey. A small part of her thought she wasn't ready but the larger majority screamed that this was _right_ and it was happening and she wasn't going to run from it. 

Still, Rey felt sick, her stomach churning as she waiting for Kylie to pick her up. She looked in the mirror and assessed her appearance. _Dress casual,_ Kylie had texted earlier. Rey was wearing denim shorts and a loose tank top that dipped low enough to show the X of lace on her bra which crossed over her chest. Her hair was down, wavy around her shoulders and she wore minimal makeup: eyeliner, mascara and a matte red lipstick. She had to admit she looked good, though that hardly stifled the butterflies devouring her from the inside out. 

Rey wished Kylie would hurry up and arrive and put her out of her misery but when the doorbell rang, Rey half wished it hadn't. She paced another few steps before heading to the door, opening it. 

“Hey,” said Rey and Kylie returned the sentiment. 

“Um, you want to come in?” 

Kylie followed Rey inside, and Rey gestured about. “This is my place,” she said. “Bed, kitchen, bathroom, the usual.”

Kylie could tell Rey was nervous. She was kind of babbling about the size of her apartment, how the AC sucked, how the neighbors were loud as shit. Kylie smiled, enjoying seeing Rey so flustered. 

“What?” asked Rey, finally holding still. 

“Nothing. You just look hot,” she said. 

“I've been pacing,” Rey admitted quickly. 

Kylie laughed and walked up to the smaller, anxious girl. She kissed her cheek and said “I didn't mean hot like _that_.”

“Oh. Well thank you,” Rey said, blushing. 

“You're nervous?” asked Kylie. 

“Yes.”

“Why? You already know me, we will have fun. It can't be nearly as bad as most first dates, right?” 

“At least with most first dates you could have a terrible time and never call them again. Nothing is on the line. I like you,” Rey admitted. “If it's bad, there's a lot more to lose.”

“It won't be bad. I promise.” Kylie stepped forward suddenly and kissed Rey. The kiss was gentle and assuring and Rey felt a thousand pounds of weight ease off her shoulders, dissipating into the silence of the room. Rey deepened the kiss, her hand grabbing Kylie's hip; her soft moan broke the silence, making Rey kiss her harder still. Kylie put her hands on Rey's shoulders and eased their bodies apart, their foreheads resting against each other’s. 

When Kylie spoke, her voice was low, hungry. “If we don't leave now, we may not ever leave.” 

“One more for the road?” Rey asked, her voice thick with arousal. Kylie kissed her again, pushing back against Rey's hips to lead her to the bed. Rey fell backwards and Kylie was on her in an instant. Kylie broke the kiss and made her way Rey's neck, nibbling gently and causing Rey to arch her back, pulling Kylie's hips to hers. When Kylie licked at Rey's earlobe, she whispered “you look fucking incredible,” and Rey groaned. 

When Kylie reached for the button on the girl’s shorts, Rey asked “what about that whole ‘if we don't leave now’ thing?” Kylie had abandoned that as soon as she kissed Rey the second time and the delicious red of Rey’s lips, wracked with lust, confirmed she had to have her. 

“I'll be quick. I owe you one, remember?”

 

When the girls climbed onto the metro, Rey couldn't even remember why she had been so nervous but she supposed that's the power of an orgasm. 

“Tell me something I don't know about you,” said Kylie. 

Rey thought about it. There were a million things Kylie didn't know about her, but none of them seemed particularly interesting. “I used to be really into turning junk into art. I still do it every now and then but I haven't been very inspired.”

“What kind of junk do you use?” asked Kylie. 

“It depends on the piece. I made this tree out of recovered beach wood a few years back but I also like to use metals.”

“That's fascinating,” said Kylie honestly. “I'm not particularly artistic which only makes art all the more captivating.”

“What about you?” asked Rey. 

Kylie grinned at Rey. “I have a psychology degree,” Kylie said, punctuating each sound in _psy-col-o-gy_. 

“No shit? What are you doing working in a strip club?!” Rey asked. “Not that there's anything wrong with that,” she added quickly. “You could just be doing more I guess.”

“I mostly went to college so my parents would support me for four more years. I did volunteer work in the psych ward at UCLA for a year and met some people that stuck with me so I thought it would be cool. It turns out, I love psychology. I didn't want to become one of those people who works themselves into the ground, hating the job they worked so hard to achieve. I didn't want to go back for my Masters either. Anyway, you'd be surprised at how similar bartending can be to psychotherapy. A few of our regulars let me pick their minds, it's pretty compelling.”

“Do you pick my mind?” asked Rey, suddenly paranoid that her mental health could be under inspection. 

“I think you're fascinating but I'm not here to analyze you,” Kylie said, trying her best to be assuring. 

“So what are you here for?” asked Rey.

“Oh, you know. Fuck you, smoke with you, take you out on dates. That sort of thing.”

Content with Kylie's answer, she decided to drop it. “You still haven't told me where we’re going,” whined Rey. 

“That's because it's a surprise,” Kylie said, poking Rey's nose. “Tell me something else about you?”

“I broke my arm when I was in fifth grade but I didn't tell anybody for a week. I had to have surgery because it was healing improperly.”

“That's so metal,” said Kylie, a look of amused horror on her face. “How'd you break it?”

“I was climbing into the loft of an old barn and fell through the floor. I remember being far more concerned about the spider webs I fell into than my arm,” Rey explained, her eyes wide in horror. 

“Did you get in trouble for playing in the barn?” Kylie asked. 

“If you consider being moved to another foster home ‘trouble’ then yes.”

Kylie couldn't imagine a life like that, being moved from place to place as punishment for normal childhood behaviors. Her own mother might have made young Kylie write an essay on the importance of trustworthiness and rule following and she would have thought that was extreme. She felt rage for the adults who couldn't bother handling discipline and sorrow for Rey who was thrown away for minor offenses. 

Rey must have seen the emotion in Kylie's face because she quickly added “it's okay, I didn't like them much anyway.” 

“It's not okay,” said Kylie softly. She thought about that thought process, the way Rey justified it so it didn't have to hurt. She wanted to squeeze her until she burst but instead she changed the conversation, knowing when it was time to end one. 

“Okay, my turn,” Kylie said, thinking of something light-hearted. “In boarding school I did musical theatre. Seeing as it was an all-girls school, we did some rather _interesting_ interpretations. I caused a huge scandal when I actually kissed Julie Harper during Romeo and Juliet. You should have seen how embarrassed the nuns were, I had to go to confession and when I told him all my sins, the priest broke confidentiality and nearly half the student body was expelled.”

“Naughty!” said Rey, impressed. “Do you still have your uniforms?” 

“Ohh, maybe,” Kylie responded, accompanying it with a wink. She looked out the window and smiled. “We're almost here!”

Rey followed her gaze, looking for clues. It was then that she saw it: a Ferris wheel, rides, games, a stage. 

“We're going to the fair!?” asked Rey, clearly excited. 

“Ding ding ding!”

Rey's eyes were wide. “I've literally never been to a fair.”

“You are in for a real treat then. Literally! So many treats! Cotton candy, funnel cake, churros.”

“It's a stoner paradise,” exclaimed Rey. 

“I thought you might like it,” said Kylie, smiling. She hadn't seen Rey so excited before. Happy? Sure. Satisfied? Definitely. But excited was a new one and Kylie’s heart felt oddly heavy in her chest. 

While waiting in line for tickets, Rey grabbed Kylie's hand and Kylie thought about how that was a first, too. It felt good- _really_ good. Though Kylie had plenty of experience sleeping with women and had even loved a woman or two, she realized she had never truly been a part of society with one, holding hands around crowds of people. Considering Rey's nature, Kylie assumed the same for her. 

Kylie pulled Rey to her, kissing her softly. She pulled away smiling and Rey returned the grin. 

“What was that for?” asked Rey. 

“I'm just happy we’re doing this,” Kylie said. 

Rey pulled Kylie towards a fun house, handing tickets to the attendant before they made their way into the maze of mirrors. “I've always wanted to do one of these,” she said. The girls laughed at their distorted bodies; Kylie starting dancing, swaying her hips, and Rey threw her head back, laughing at Kylie's rotund reflection. The girls continued through the maze until Rey realized Kylie wasn't behind her. 

“Kylie?” she asked. There was no response and Rey went looking for her through the maze. She rounded a corner and Kylie popped out, shouting “boo!” 

Rey jumped back, pressing herself against a mirror. “ _Ass_ hole,” whispered Rey, her hand against her racing heart. Still, Rey was smiling and Kylie pressed herself to Rey, kissing her as an apology. The kiss crescendoed quickly and soon Kylie's hand was under Rey's shirt, feeling the warmth of her side. Rey kissed the girl hungrily, nearly forgetting where they were. An attendant passed them and, had their eyes been open, they would have laughed at his expression: surprised and intrigued. He told them to “move alone ladies,” and the girls giggled their way through the rest of the maze. 

An hour later, each Rey and Kylie had won a prize for the other, laughing while they knocked down milk bottles and threw ping pong balls into floating cups. _Years of beer pong paid off,_ said Rey, handing Kylie the bear she had won. _So romantic,_ teased Kylie, eliciting a laugh from Rey so warm Kylie swore she'd remember it forever. The way Rey tipped her head back when she truly laughed was something Kylie knew she'd never recover from. Rey laughed plenty, sure, but when she _really_ laughed, the joy she exuded could fill up a room. It was the kind of thing Kylie knew not to take for granted, like summer rain in a drought. 

After the girls had shared a funnel cake and retrieved cotton candy, Kylie dragged Rey towards the Ferris wheel. “I've never!” said Rey, reluctant. 

“It'll be so much fun!”

Rey was reluctant but acquiesced upon seeing Kylie's excitement. When the ride started to move, Kylie pulled a joint out of her purse. 

“Wanna?” she asked. 

“Always,” said Rey. They smoked it quickly so as to not draw attention to themselves, extinguishing it on the metal seat. The car had been at the top of the ride for a while as more people were loaded on and when it began to move, wobbling slightly, Rey shrieked, clutching onto Kylie. 

“We're gonna die!” Rey said, all but throwing herself onto the other girl. Kylie wrapped her arms around Rey whose legs were strewn over her lap; she rested her head against Rey's and laughed the most pure laugh Rey had ever heard. 

“It doesn't help when you keep flailing about!” insisted Kylie, unable to suppress her laughter as the ride moved again, jostling Rey once more. 

“I'm not flailing!” Rey said, finally joining in with Kylie's laughter when she realized she was indeed flailing. 

“Come here,” said Kylie, lifting Rey's face up to hers. “Close your eyes and it won't be so scary.”

When Rey closed her eyes, Kylie kissed her. It was a different kiss than any they'd shared thus far. It was neither demanding nor hungry. It was a kiss filled with promises and hope, the kind of kiss that convinced Rey love didn't have to be scary and told Kylie that some things are worth sticking around for. Kylie thought of the boxes in her living room, how she hadn't bothered to unpack, unsure of whether she'd even stay in town. She made a mental note to unpack that night. 

The two girls kissed until they reached the bottom of the ride, the attendant clearing his throat to get their attention. Hurrying off the platform, they made their way to the stage, finding a space in the grass to sit. When Rey sat beside Kylie, Kylie shook her head and opened her legs, nodding for Rey to sit between them. Rey climbed in and Kylie scooted closer, Rey’s back flush against her. Kylie laid her head against Rey's shoulder, smiling. 

“I don't know this feeling,” Rey said, just loudly enough for Kylie to hear over the band. 

“Is it a good feeling?” she asked. 

“Probably the best.”

Kylie kissed Rey's shoulder, her heart pounding so hard in her chest she was certain Rey could feel it. If she could, she didn't mention it, she just grabbed Kylie's hand from behind her, lacing her fingers in her own. 

Eventually the sun set and the girls started to shiver. “Want to grab a drink for the road?” Kylie asked. Rey nodded so they each got a beer and Kylie called for a cab. 

“So, not a terrible date, right?” asked Kylie. 

“Oh, it wasn't _bad_ ,” Rey teased. She didn't have to say it was the best date she'd even been on, and probably one of the best in history, as far as she was concerned. 

The cab came and they headed back to Rey's house. Their hands were tangled together and as Rey crossed the threshold into her apartment building, Kylie let go, standing on the steps. 

“Do you want to come up?” Rey asked.

“Not tonight,” Kylie said. “This was a perfect date, truly, and in the spirit of first dates, I'm going to go home now and smile and think about you all night until I fall asleep, exhausted and happy.”

Rey kissed her, gently. With Kylie standing a step below Rey, they were the same height for the first time and Rey wondered how many other ways they'd kiss. For the first time, she wasn't afraid of the possibility of something more and the thought gave her butterflies. Rey was reminded of the butterflies she'd had before Kylie picked her up but those were made of fear, these were something else entirely. 

“Thank you for taking me out,” Rey said. “We should do that again.” 

Kylie smiled. “I'll call you?”

“Yes please.”

Kylie kissed Rey one last time before stepping down to the sidewalk. She smiled and turned to walk away. 

“Hey, Kylie?”

“Yeah?”

“Your car is here,” Rey said motioning a few cars away. 

“That's okay,” Kylie said, smiling towards Rey as she walked backwards, away from her. “I feel like walking tonight.”


	6. when you look at me with those brown eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut + fluff for dayyyys

Finding time to see each other while working opposite shifts was becoming frustrating for the girls. By the time Rey was off work, Kylie was heading to the club and when Kylie got off, Rey was relishing in her last few hours of sleep before getting up to head to the shop. Rey's only day off was Sunday, and despite Saturday night being the busiest and latest at the club, Rey told Kylie she wouldn't mind her coming over after, no matter the time. 

A little after 4 am Rey, heard the knock on her door and pulled herself out of bed, groaning, too tired to be excited. She opened up the door, a sleepy yawn escaping her lungs. Kylie looked hot as hell in a tight, short dress and heels and no amount of exhaustion could make Rey unaware of that. Kylie kissed Rey's cheek, stepping into the apartment. 

Kylie thought Rey looked adorable, half asleep, hair mussed. “You look sleepy,” she said and realized what an obvious statement that was. 

“You don't look so lively either,” said Rey, a little smile on her face. 

“I'm fucking drained,” Kylie admitted. 

Rey pulled a shirt out of her dresser, tossing it to Kylie with a sleepy smirk before she headed back towards the bed, not bothering with the covers. 

Kylie headed to the bathroom, turning on the water to let it warm up so she could wash the makeup off her face. She worked her way out of her dress and unbuckled her shoes, grateful to be out of them. She pulled on Rey's shirt and smiled at her reflection; the shirt was comfy, soft and well worn. Kylie imagined Rey sleeping in it, curled into bed like she was now, waiting for her. Kylie washed her face and found a bottle of moisturizer beside the sink, rubbing it into her skin. _The benefit of dating women: skin products_ , she thought. 

Kylie joined Rey a few minutes later, reaching over her still body to turn off the bedside lamp. Kylie pulled the covers up over them and nuzzled herself into the other girl’s back, Rey sighing softly. Kylie thought of the ease with which they fit, both physically and into each other’s lives . _I could get used to this,_ she thought before drifting off to sleep. 

Rey woke up first, having gone to bed significantly earlier than Kylie. When she woke up, Kylie's arm was around her waist, their fingers laced together. Rey had little reference for the normalcies of new relationships but she wondered what she'd been so afraid of if this was how it went. Waking up in someone’s arms was a comfort she'd never known. Nobody truly cared about her growing up and in turn, she was hesitant to allow anyone near her as an adult. But this felt good and she wondered whether it was normal or just _Kylie_. She couldn't deny their chemistry, how easy it was the majority of the time, save for a few fleeting nervous moments. 

Rey rolled over carefully, trying her best not to wake Kylie. She stirred slightly before resuming her stillness, her chest rising and falling in a hypnotic rhythm. Rey hadn't seen Kylie without makeup before and the sight affected her in a way Rey couldn't quite put her finger on. She thought maybe it was the intimacy of it, the comfort of allowing yourself to be fully revealed, or maybe it was the purity of it. Kylie’s skin was light, milky and smooth, and the rosy flush of her cheeks made her look like an angel. Her eyelashes were dark and long and Rey would have been jealous if she wasn't completely in awe.

Not wanting to be a creeper watching Kylie sleep, Rey eased her way out of the bed, heading towards the bathroom. She used the toilet and brushed her teeth, examining her own lashes which were sparse. What she lacked in eyelash power she made up in bone structure, she decided. 

Rey wondered whether she should make breakfast; she didn't know when Kylie would be up. Glancing at the clock, she saw it was just past 9:30 and figured it couldn't hurt. Just in case, she decided to make breakfast burritos as they were easy enough to heat up if Kylie slept a while longer. Rey reached for the cutting board and pulled out some potatoes, heading to the sink to scrub them. 

With the water running, she hadn't heard the footsteps that approached her and when hands wrapped around her waist, Rey jumped, gasping. Kylie cackled, laughing so hard that she sat down on the floor to collect herself. 

“Jesus, you're good at that,” Rey said, referencing the ease with which Kylie could scare her. 

“I didn't even try that time!” 

Rey reached out to help her up and when she did, Kylie wrapped her arms around her, her chest still shaking with quiet laughter. “I'm sorry,” she said. “I didn't think you'd be so scared!”

“Just _startled_ ,” Rey defended, rolling her eyes in mock offense. “How did you sleep?”

“Really well,” Kylie said, unable to hide her smile. “Need some help?” she asked, nodding towards the counter. “It's the least I could do after that heart attack.”

The breakfast took longer than usual to cook, Kylie occasionally pulling Rey away from her tasks to swing her around the kitchen, dancing and laughing. The two of them wore only oversized shirts and underwear and Rey drooled at the sight of Kylie in her sleep shirt, her black boy shorts peeking out from under the hem of the shirt, followed by her long, lean legs. It was interesting to think of Kylie arriving in the middle of the night wearing a sexy dress and heels, the contrast between the two versions of her were equally entrancing in completely different ways. Rey thought she liked Kylie better like this; the intimacy made her heart throb. 

The girls took their plates to the couch, turning on the news which Rey learned was a morning routine of Kylie’s, having grown up in a political household. When they set their plates down, Rey pulled Kylie's legs over her lap, kissing each of her knees. 

Kylie locked eyes with Rey. 

“How do you do that?” Kylie asked softly. 

“…What?”

“It's like- everything you do feels _good._ ”

“That's just my lesbian magic.” Rey said, quirking her head, deviousness creeping into her eyes as she asked, “hey, do you want to have some _real_ fun?” The way Rey's eyebrow raised at the word _real_ sent Kylie reeling, nearly breathless. 

Kylie's expression was nearly indescribable, suddenly nervous yet exhilarated, heat growing between her thighs. Kylie knew there wasn't much Rey could suggest that would be new to her - and she'd never done anything she didn't enjoy - so she felt confident enough; it was simply the dark, deep hunger in Rey's eyes that took her breath away. 

“Absolutely,” Kylie said, sounding more nervous than she'd intended. 

Rey jumped up, heading towards her closet. Kylie could hear her scavenging amongst clothes, hangers clashing. She finally emerged after what felt like hours, holding various pieces of white and black. 

"Here ya go,” Rey said, holding the white garments out to Kylie. _Lingerie,_ rather. “This doesn't fit me well, too big in the chest. My poor tiny tits,” she lamented. “Luckily for you, it should be perfect.”

“I love your tiny tits,” Kylie said, dragging a finger across Rey's chest, suddenly at ease. 

“I'll go change in the closet,” Rey said as she walked towards the closet, pausing at the door to look behind her, her eyes mischievous.

 

Kylie changed into the clothes quickly before she examined the items she was given. The bra was lacy, extending a few inches down her ribs, accentuating the narrowness of her waist impeccably; the cups were low-cut and pushed her cleavage up obscenely. The thong and garter belt matched the bra with small red accents and the thigh-high white fishnets completed the look. Kylie thought of how perfect it was that she wore red heels over last night and wondered whether Rey picked the outfit for that reason. 

Kylie had to admit it, she looked fucking hot. It had been ages since she's worn lingerie at all and she decided she should do it more often. Kylie brushed her fingers through her long, dark hair, thankful it hadn't become too messy overnight. It was, in fact, the perfect amount of messy, as though she'd intended for it to be that way. 

When Rey opened the closet door, both she and Kylie stared at each other for a moment before either or them spoke. 

“Fuck,” said Kylie breathily, breaking the silence. Rey wore a thin black bra, her small nipples clearly visible through the sheer material. Around her waist was a leather belt which extended the length of her torso, three buckles connecting it in the middle. She wore faux leather booty shorts, thigh high fishnet stockings, and platform heels with a buckle around the ankle. 

Rey bit her lip, smiling around it as she slowly walked towards Kylie. Though Kylie was wearing heels also, Rey's were taller, the muscles in her legs flexing as she walked closer to the girl in white. They were nearly at eye level when Rey closed the gap between them, their mouths inches apart, eyes boring into one another’s. 

“You look like an angel,” Rey whispered, breaking the eye contact to look down at Kylie's lips and then further still when she caught sight of her cleavage. Now it was Rey’s turn to say _fuck_ , barely more than a whisper, as she traced the tops of Kylie's tits with her finger. When she looked back up to Kylie, hand placed flat against her chest, her eyes were dark and needing, lips parted slightly. 

“I swear to god you just walked out of my teenage wet dreams,” Rey said. 

“Turn around?” Kylie asked, needing to see all of Rey. Kylie groaned as she did, the curve of Rey's ass hanging out the bottom of her shorts, the muscles in her legs visible through the fishnets. Her shoulder-length hair was up in a messy ponytail, a few strands escaping but her shoulders were mostly bare, her tanned skin delicious. 

Kylie stepped forward, gently grabbing Rey's ponytail to tilt her head to the side, exposing her neck. Kylie bent down and kissed the exposed skin and Rey immediately gasped, her body reacting to the sensation. Kylie’s hand reached around to pinch Rey’s nipple, rolling it between her fingers through the thin material of her bra. 

“You look fucking divine,” Kylie said, nibbling on Rey's earlobe. Rey’s body writhed on instinct and Kylie dropped her hand from Rey's ponytail, snaking it down her body to hold the smaller girl’s hips firmly to her own. It was truly an act of self-sabotage Kylie realized when Rey pressed her ass against her, so close to the heat between her legs. 

Rey grabbed Kylie's hands, pulling them off of her so she could turn around; Rey wasted no time and her lips were on Kylie's immediately, kissing her hard, needing to taste her. Rey pushed against Kylie's hips, walking them backward until Kylie's legs hit the front of the couch. Rey pushed her down, climbing quickly on top of her, her hips grinding desperately into Kylie. 

“You look like an angel,” Rey said, admiring the girl in white. 

“Do angels do this?” Kylie asked. 

“...A very naughty angel, then,” Rey corrected. 

Rey grabbed Kylie's hair, pulling her head backwards to rest against the back of the couch. Kylie gasped, unable to move as Rey kissed her neck, sucking at the space beneath Kylie's ear. With one hand still holding Kylie's head back, the other fell down her body, teasing her clit outside her panties. Rey resumed sucking at Kylie's neck, enjoying the taste of her. Rey could feel how wet Kylie was through the layers of fabric and the two of them groaned in unison at the discovery. 

Rey let go of Kylie’s hair and kissed her way down to the girl’s cleavage. Kylie's boobs weren't _huge,_ they were just exactly right: full and soft and a good handful to play with. Rey pulled the bra aside, licking Kylie's nipple. Unable to resist, she nibbled at it and Kylie moaned beneath her, fueling her on. Rey moved to the other breast, repeating the attention she paid to the first, groaning as Kylie’s breath hitched. 

Rey worked further down Kylie's body still, kissing and licking her sides and enjoying the way Kylie squirmed at the touch. When she got to her belly button, Rey traced the outside with her tongue, mirroring the sensations Kylie needed further south. Rey looked up at Kylie as her hand pushed beneath her panties, tracing her wet slit. 

Kylie’s eyes were pleading for more, her hips pressing against Rey's hand. Rey was too turned on herself to handle a lengthy teasing so she slipped a finger into Kylie quickly, watching pleasure take over her face. Rey added a second finger and pounded them furiously into Kylie, drinking up the moans that escaped the girl’s throat. Kylie's hips lifted off the couch as the intense pleasure ripped through her. She squirmed enough that the two of them slid off the couch, Rey relentless as she fucked Kylie with her fingers. 

Rey pushed Kylie's panties to the side so she could taste her and when she flicked her tongue over Kylie's clit, the girl shouted, throwing her head against the couch. 

“Oh- fuck, Rey,” Kylie breathed as Rey continued to tease her clit, giving her little more than a flick of her tongue. 

“Naughty words for an angel,” Rey mused, her eyes burning into Kylie's. Rey didn't look away as she bent forward to kiss the girl’s clit, loving the effect she had on her. 

Kylie was lost in the sensations, her mind blank as Rey built her up and then let her down slowly, never letting her too near the finish. Kylie groaned when Rey released the pressure, stilling her fingers enough to make Kylie beg for her. Rey removed her hand and licked at Kylie's entrance, her tongue dipping into her. Rey’s thumb found Kylie's clit, rubbing gentle circles as her tongue continued to fuck her. 

Rey pulled away, her lips swollen and glistening. "You like it when I taste your pussy?” Rey asked, her voice low, thumb picking up its pace against Kylie. 

Kylie nodded, whispering “yes!” as Rey reached down with her free hand and drew circles around her own clit, groaning. Rey dipped her head back town to Kylie, her fingers once again pounding into her. Strands of Rey's hair escaped the ponytail and, desperate to see her face, Kylie reached down, pulling the hair into her fist. When Kylie yanked slightly at her hair, Rey’s own moans grew louder and the vibrations sent Kylie over the edge suddenly, gasping and shaking. The world tilted on its axis as Kylie came, her voice all but worshipping Rey as she continued to suck, working Kylie down from the orgasm, stroking her through the aftershocks as her thighs trembled. 

"Come here," Kylie demanded breathily, hungry to taste herself on Rey's lips. Rey obliged, letting Kylie pull her onto her lap, kissing her with more ferocity that ever before.

“You're so fucking hot,” Rey purred onto Kylie's lips. “You have no idea.” 

“Oh, I think I have a pretty good idea, actually… look at _you_ ,” Kylie said. 

“Prove it.”

Rey stood up over Kylie, sliding her panties down her legs before kneeling onto the couch, her thighs on either side of Kylie's head. Kylie wasted no time, her mouth on Rey in an instant. 

“Oh fuck,” Rey cried, throwing back her head. “Fuck, fuck, fu- oh god…”

Kylie played with the entrance to Rey's pussy, dipping a finger in just slightly, twisting it around to make Rey squirm. In turn, Rey ground her hips down against Kylie's mouth, unable to stop the chant of _fuck, fuck, fuck_ coming from her mouth. This was new, they'd never fucked like this before and Rey couldn't figure out why because _fuck,_ it felt good. 

Rey fell forward onto the back of the couch for leverage, her thighs already beginning to shake. Kylie slipped her fingers in further, flicking them back and forth against Rey's g-spot. The words coming from Rey’s mouth were filthy and Kylie knew the smaller girl wouldn't last long, her walls already clenching hard against Kylie's fingers. 

Rey's legs shook as the pleasure swept over her and Kylie took the opportunity to slide out from beneath Rey, pushing her back onto the couch before fucking her hard again, her fingers slapping against the wetness of Rey's pussy. 

“Jesus Christ,” Rey panted, her moans growing bother louder and more desperate as Kylie resumed sucking at her clit. “Fuck, Kylie, just like that, don't stop…” 

Kylie pressed her fingers into Rey right where she knew she needed it, thrusting lightly but maintaining pressure and, as her tongue’s patterns quickened, Rey ground harder onto Kylie, her nails digging into the cushions of the couch. Kylie picked up Rey's leg, draping it over the back of the couch, opening Rey wider for her. Kylie's free hand then reached up, pulling and twisting at Rey’s nipple. Between the pain and the pleasure, Rey came hard, the sound of her orgasm echoing through the apartment. 

Rey sat up, pulling Kylie up to kiss her as she rode out the rest of her orgasm, Kylie's fingers still working inside of her. Rey’s mouth was open, gasping, her jaw quivering. Her eyebrows were furrowed and Kylie swore to herself she could never get sick of that face. It was the most compelling thing she'd ever seen. 

Kylie kissed Rey's neck, feeling her pulse pound against her lips. The tension released from Rey's body and she all but crumbled into Kylie's arms as she caught her breath, her chest heaving lightly against Kylie's. 

“How do you feel about toys?” Rey asked when she found her voice, still nearly breathless from her orgasm. 

Just when Kylie thought Rey couldn't get any better, she surpassed all expectations. 

“Yes,” Kylie said, realizing that wasn't a proper response to Rey's question but it was an answer all the same. She was too far gone to form coherent thoughts, her body just needed more. Getting Rey off made Kylie hungry do more and Rey smiled, biting her lip. She took Kylie's hand and led her to the closet, opening a drawer. 

“My cabinet of curiosities,” Rey explained. “Pick your poison.” Rey's mouth was all over Kylie’s shoulders and neck and she could barely think straight. Inside the drawer was a plethora of toys from bondage tape to dildos and everything in between. Kylie was drawn to the strap on but thought it better to play it safe their first time using toys together. _Next time,_ Kylie told herself before reaching for a curved, purple dildo.

“Good choice,” Rey said, smirking at the toy. “One of my favorites. Come here,” she said, leading her out of the room and into the bathroom. 

Rey closed the door, pushing Kylie against it. “Do you remember what I told you at the beach house?” 

Kylie remembered a lot of things she'd said but she couldn’t figure out what Rey was referencing. Rey kissed her, their bodies rolling against each other. “ _Think,_ ” said Rey, her hand finding Kylie's clit. 

“I can't think when you're doing that…” Kylie said, groaning. 

Rey moved Kylie against the adjacent wall, dropping to her knees in front of her partner, lifting one of her legs over her shoulders. Kylie grabbed the top of Rey's head, the other hand holding onto the door knob for support. When she looked up, she saw herself in the mirror and it occurred to her: _one day, I'm going to make you come as you watch yourself in the mirror. Then you can see what I saw tonight and you'll never look at yourself the same way again._

“Ohhh- fuck,” Kylie groaned and she felt Rey smile against her clit. 

“You remembered?” Rey asked, the dildo now tracing Kylie's slit, her eyes on the other girl’s. Kylie nodded and Rey grinned. “Good. Watch yourself, then. Let yourself see what I do.”

Kylie closed her eyes, collecting herself. When they opened, she saw herself, pale skin flushed pink, dark hair billowing around her, framing her round face. Her dark eyes were hooded and her chest heaved beneath the white bra. Her breasts all but spilled out and her abs were tight, lines of muscle outlining her stomach. And just below that… “Oh, god,” Kylie moaned. 

Rey knew Kylie had seen how divine she is, it would be impossible for her not to. _Progress._ As a reward, Rey pushed the dildo into Kylie just enough to make her face twist up. Kylie saw herself, her eyebrows arching, her lips parting as her breath escaped her lungs in choppy gasps. Her head fell forward when Rey slid the dildo the rest of the way in, reaching in to kiss at her clit for a moment. It was almost too much but simultaneously not enough. 

“Please,” Kylie asked, her hips attempting to pull off of and back onto the dildo. 

“Since you asked so nicely…” Rey whispered as she began to fuck Kylie harder with the toy, nearly pulling it out entirely before jamming it into her again. It was almost more than Kylie could take standing up and as if Rey could read her mind, she reached her free hand up to steady Kylie’s hips, her nails digging in slightly. 

Perhaps it was her preceding orgasm, Rey’s own intense orgasm, the toy, or the mirror but Kylie knew she was done for. She watched herself in the mirror as she panted against the wall, her moans turning into desperate cries of _don't stop_ and _oh my god_ and so Rey did as told, fucking Kylie with all she had. Kylie came suddenly and she had no doubt she would have fallen if Rey wasn't there forcing her upright.

As Kylie came back down to the world, Rey removed the dildo and let Kylie slide down the wall, into her arms. Rey kissed Kylie gently, somehow knowing just how jarring the experience had been. 

“So what's the consensus?” Rey asked as Kylie leaned back into her arms. 

“About which part?” 

“Yourself,” Rey said simply, kissing Kylie’s cheek. 

“Hot.” 

Rey smiled against Kylie's hair, squeezing her hand. 

"Told you,” Rey said, pulling herself up off the floor and reaching out a hand for Kylie. 

The girls walked towards the bedroom where they undressed each other, removing the leather and lace, before slipping under the covers. They had intended to nap but having each other was so much better; they laid around a while longer, lazily dragging orgasm after orgasm out of the other until their legs shook and they were utterly spent. 

“I can't get close enough to you,” Rey whispered, squeezing herself to Kylie as though she thought they could morph into one. They fell asleep like that, bodies pressed tightly together, Kylie's lips against Rey's forehead. 

Kylie woke up first, a sound outside the window confusing her. It felt like nighttime though she couldn't imagine they had slept that long. Her mind was foggy and she couldn't quite figure out what it was. She pulled herself out of Rey's arms, scooting up to pull the curtains back. _Rain_. 

“Hey, Rey,” Kylie whispered excitedly into the other girl’s ear. “Rey, wake up!”

Kylie loved the rain inexplicably, though having grown up in Los Angeles, it wasn't too surprising. The first rainfall of the season was always Kylie's favorite day of the year but this was even better because this was _summer_ rain, a rarity for southern California. 

Rey groaned, waking up slowly as Kylie kissed her face. “ _Rey!_ ” she insisted, growing desperate. She didn't want the rain to stop before they could get outside; rain never lasted long in Los Angeles, after all. 

“Whaaaat?” Rey groaned. Her eyes were still closed but she reached out instinctively for Kylie, her fingers brushing her nipples and Rey moaned. 

“You're insatiable,” Rey admonished. “But there's no time for that! Look!” 

Rey opened one eye, pouting. Kylie rolled her eyes, pulling Rey up to look out the window. 

“Rain!” 

“No shit?” Rey asked. 

“No shit! We gotta go out!”

Rey was awake now, excitement spreading to her face as well. “I love rain,” Rey whispered. Rain was nothing like the endless months of dreadful snow back in Illinois. Rain was the respite after entirely too many cold days, the hope that the sun would soon follow. 

The girls jumped out of bed, nearly frantic trying to figure out what to do first. 

“Clothes. Come on,” said Rey, pulling Kylie towards the closet. Kylie had shown up in the dress from work early that morning so Rey motioned for her to pick whatever. _Benefit number two of dating girls: clothes_ , Kylie thought. 

Rey threw on black leggings and a black flowy tunic while Kylie ended up in some jean shorts and a black and white striped top. 

“What size shoes do you wear?” asked Rey, figuring she wouldn't want to wear her heels. 

“Nine.”

“A match made in fucking heaven,” Rey said. “Shoes,” she said, pointing towards the back of the door. They both grabbed some sandals before rushing out the door. 

Kylie threw her long hair up into a messy bun as they ran down the stairs, too excited to wait for the elevator. When they got out of the building, the rain was coming down harder and they stood in it with their palms up, smiling broadly at each other. 

“It's magical,” Kylie said. 

The air was still warm as the rain fell against their skin, the scent of the wet asphalt tickling their senses. 

Rey looked at Kylie. She had a sex-kissed glow, her face still void of any makeup. She looked gorgeous and she wore Rey's clothes and the sight was nearly too much. The rain came down harder, slapping the earth, saturating Kylie's hair as it dripped down her face, down her chest. Rey swallowed, she was suddenly sure of something for what felt like the first time in as long as she could remember. 

“I want to be with you,” Rey said, her voice nearly swallowed up by the rain. 

Kylie thought she heard what Rey said but the rain was so loud, she wasn't sure. “What?” she asked, incredulously. 

Rey stepped closer, speaking louder. “I want to _be with you_ , Kylie.”

Kylie beamed. “Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?” she asked. 

“Yes,” Rey said, nervously. 

“Have you ever done that before?” 

“Never,” Rey said. 

Kylie kissed her, cupping Rey's face in her hands. The kiss nearly took Rey's breath away, the combination of her nerves and the thrill of the rain mingling to create something that felt like _love._

Kylie broke away from the kiss, smiling at Rey. “Is that a good enough answer?”

“It'll do,” Rey said, rolling her eyes playfully. 

“Shit,” Rey said suddenly, the smile falling from her face. “I forgot my keys. I do this all the time. I'll call Poe.” Then another thought occurred to her and she again said, “shit. I forgot my phone.”

Kylie laughed, kissing Rey's forehead before grabbing her hand, pulling her in the direction of her house. 

“My window has a broken latch, we can break in,” Kylie said. 

“Whoa dude, that's not safe! What if someone breaks in?” Rey asked, wondering what kind of latch it was. “I'll fix it for you.”

Kylie smiled, enjoying Rey's handiness. “Then what will we do when you lock us out again?”

“Valid point.”

The girls were soaked by the time they got to Kylie's house. It was just past 3 and Kylie had to be at work by 6. “We have time,” she said, drawing a bath. 

It was a bath not unlike their first, with music playing, a pipe passed between them. 

“Promise you're not going to run away this time?” Kylie asked. 

Rey smirked and held out her pinky. Kylie reached out her own pinky and they shook. 

“Okay then,” Kylie said, smiling.


	8. your shining autumn ocean crashing

Kylie's and Rey's lives fell into synchrony over the next few months, their schedules and encounters predictable and comfortable. Fall had come – as much as it could in Los Angeles, anyway – and as the heat in the city subsided, the comfort of companionship became a constant. Rey would answer the door in the middle of the night, falling back into bed as Kylie grabbed a shirt from Rey's dresser. Despite their planning ahead of time, Kylie never brought her own pajamas, preferring the comfort of her girlfriend’s sleep shirts. 

Rey always cuddled against Kylie before leaving for work, curling against her, listening to her heart beat in her chest. Kylie looked forward to those moments, rousing just slightly from her slumber to sigh contentedly, smiling just so. When Kylie woke up on Tuesday morning, she couldn't remember Rey saying goodbye. She wondered whether she had slept through it, or maybe Rey was running late and didn't have time. Kylie thought little of it, though she found it odd. 

Kylie headed back to her house to catch up on laundry and the sink full of neglected dishes before heading into work. Halfway through her shift, Kylie got a text from Rey. 

_I'm not feeling great, maybe you should stay home tonight._

_Are you okay? Do you need anything?_ Kylie texted back. She didn't receive a response and assumed Kylie fell asleep.

Kylie and Rey slept apart that night for the first time in weeks and sleep didn't come easily to Kylie. She smoked bowl after bowl until she fell asleep, dead to the world. When she woke up, Kylie felt unsettled. Wednesday was one of Kylie's days off and she was bored. She called Rey, just to check in. 

“How are you feeling?” Kylie asked, hopeful Rey's feeling under the weather was a fluke. 

“Not great,” said Rey, voice low. 

“Do you want me to come over?” 

“I think I should just be alone.”

Kylie thought Rey sounded strange. She didn't sound _sick_ but she didn't sound like herself either. Kylie wondered whether she'd done something to upset Rey and she tortured herself for hours trying to figure out what was going on. Maybe Rey was just sick after all but somehow Kylie didn't believe that. 

Sitting alone at home was making Kylie crazy so she called up Finn, seeing if he wanted to get drinks. 

When they met at the bar, Kylie was happy to see Poe with Finn. It had been a while since they'd hung out and Kylie was glad for his company. Poe wandered off towards the bar to grab them drinks while Finn and Kylie found a booth. 

“Hey you,” Finn said, pulling Kylie into a hug. “I thought you'd disappeared!”

“Nope, still here. I've just been busy,” she said, smiling. 

“Yeah, no shit! Speaking of which, where is Rey anyway?” 

“I guess she's not feeling well? I'm not sure, really,” Kylie said, her voice quiet. “It was kind of weird.”

“Weird,” echoed Finn. 

“I don't know if I did something wrong. She didn't sound sick, she just sounded upset. I don't know, I'm probably thinking too much into it.”

“Probably,” Finn said, shrugging, as Poe found the duo at the table. 

“Hey, where's Rey?” Poe asked. This was the question of the hour, apparently. 

“She's not feeling well or _something_ ,” Finn answered for Kylie. 

“Or something?” Poe asked. “What kind of ‘or something’?”

“I don't know, I think I might have done something wrong,” Kylie said, wishing this conversation would stop coming up. She was here to _stop_ worrying about it, not to fixate on it. 

“What happened?” Poe asked, seeming genuinely concerned. 

“I really don't know. Yesterday morning she was acting weird and said she should be alone or something.” 

“So you haven't seen her since yesterday morning?” Poe asked. 

“No.” Kylie was feeling agitated at this point, not understanding Poe's concern. 

“Did she go to work?” he asked. 

“I… don't know. I think so, she left the apartment.”

“But she said she needed to be alone?” 

“Not in those exact words,” Kylie said, “but pretty much.”

“I think you need to go check on her,” Poe said, putting down his beer. “She gets into these… funks, I guess. She doesn't eat or sleep or do anything. She just sits around drinking until she's like, a ghost or something. A really drunk ghost.”

“I've seen her like that,” Finn chimed in. “That's a regular thing?” he asked Poe. 

“She's done it as long as I've known her,” Poe said. “Really, I think you should go. Like, _now_. I've never been able to get through to her, it's like she's just totally shut down, just a shell of herself. I usually make sure she's still like, alive every few days but otherwise I let her work it out on her own. But _you_ should try.” 

Kylie was suddenly concerned. Here she was thinking she'd done something wrong when it might not be about her at all. 

“Okay,” was all Kylie could manage to say, turning towards the door. 

“Oh, shit, hey Kylie! Wait, wait, wait! Here,” he said, pulling out his key ring, manipulating it to remove one. “Don't fucking lose it, okay? It's important. Rey has never gone a month without me needing to get her into her own apartment. It's my most important job.”

“Thanks, Poe,” Kylie said before heading out of the bar. The night was warm and Kylie cursed herself for wearing heels. Rey's apartment wasn't far enough to warrant a cab but it was just far enough to be a pain in heels. 

Kylie felt like she was hurrying off towards a ticking bomb, not knowing what she'd find but knowing she had to get there _now._ Kylie knew better than to think she could fix Rey; she knew her presence would be nothing more than a comfort, _if_ that but that knowledge didn't deter her. 

When Kylie got to Rey's door, she thought it best to knock first, just in case she really was sick and this was all a misunderstanding. _Rey?_ she called out towards the door. It was only 8 and Kylie doubted Rey'd be asleep, sick or not, so when there was no answer, she pulled Poe's key from her bra, unlocking the door. 

“Rey?” she called again as she entered the apartment. It was mostly as she left it yesterday morning, though it now smelled heavily of cigarette smoke. 

Kylie found Rey in the kitchen, sitting on the floor against a wall. To her right sat a bottle of whiskey, on her left was a cup – a make-shift ashtray – a cigarette in her hand. Rey turned her head away from Kylie, trying to hide her face. Her eyes were red and Kylie wondered whether it was from crying or from the alcohol. Rey wore only a tank top and underwear, her legs pulled into her chest. She looked smaller than Kylie had ever seen her and her own heart thumped in her chest at the sight. 

“Rey,” she said softly. She walked carefully over to Rey as if she were a lost dog, likely to run away at any sudden movement. Kylie moved the bottle of alcohol, setting it onto the counter before easing herself down beside Rey. 

“Come here?” Kylie asked, her voice little more than a whisper. She hadn't expected Rey to oblige but she did without coercion, stubbing out her cigarette in the cup before falling onto Kylie. 

“I didn't want you to see me like this,” Rey said, her voice hollow. 

Kylie didn't know what to say. She didn't want to see her girlfriend like this either, she didn't want to see her so broken but she _was_.

“You don't have to be alone, okay? This doesn't change anything,” Kylie said and she meant it more than she thought she did before it left her mouth. 

“Come lay down?” Kylie asked and Rey nodded wordlessly against her shoulder. Kylie stood up, taking Rey's hands to help her onto her feet. Now that Rey was standing, it was apparent just _how_ drunk she was as she staggered, hanging onto the counter. She whispered some sequence of expletives as Kylie steadied her hips. Rey clung to Kylie as she walked her towards the bed, setting her down on the edge. Rey sat there unmoving so Kylie climbed beside her, dragging her down. 

Rey laid behind Kylie, her body secure around Rey's, her hand brushing the hair out of her face. 

“You gonna psychoanalyze me, Dr. Ren?” Rey asked spitefully. 

“I'm here as your partner, Rey. And I only have my bachelor’s, you know that.” 

Rey scoffed. “Whatever you say, Dr. Ren.”

Rey was quiet for a few minutes, her body rigid inside Kylie's arms. 

“It's my birthday,” Rey said. 

“What? I thought your birthday was in December? Poe didn't say anything…”

“Nobody knows my birthday.”

“Why not?”

Rey was quiet again. If not for her hand fidgeting with the pillow, Kylie might have thought she had fallen asleep. Kylie stroked Rey's hair, her other hand holding onto her girlfriend’s waist as though she thought she might disappear. 

“They left on my birthday,” Rey whispered, hardly loud enough to be heard. “Who does that?” 

Kylie could feel her own heart breaking, aching at the confession. Rey turned around in bed, her eyes level with Kylie's and if her heart wasn't broken before, she was certain it was now. Rey looked like a child, scared and sad and confused. She closed her eyes, the inebriation making it hard to focus. 

“Why didn't they love me? What's wrong with me?”

Kylie knew without question that this was the first time Rey had said those words aloud; they were raw and fresh and new on her tongue, having only lived in her mind all these years. The tears fell out of Kylie's eyes before they escaped Rey's. 

“Nothing, Rey. Absolutely nothing. It wasn't about you, you have to know that.”

“How can I believe that? They left on my _birthday._ They never even said goodbye. I came home from school and they were gone. They didn't come home so I put myself to sleep... I was hungry and scared and when I woke up, they were still gone. They didn't come back for me. A social worker came to my school and said I'd be going to a different house… Nobody told me anything until my foster brother said they just didn't want me anymore. Years later, I demanded to see my file and I saw they had signed over their rights to the state. They didn't want me. I don't understand how anyone can want me.” 

Rey was sobbing now, her chest heaving as she spilled her soul. Kylie wanted to be a sanctuary, a respite from the heartache but she knew the parameters of her affection could only go so deep. 

“Why didn't they love me? What is wrong with me, why am I impossible to love?” 

Kylie's heart ached in her chest. 

“I love you, Rey. I'm not saying that to fix you, I'm saying it because you need to hear it. I want you. I love you and I want you and I'm not going anywhere, okay? You're not impossible to love, you're fucking easy to love. I fell in love with you at the beach house and I've loved you every day since. I can't imagine how anyone _couldn't_ love you, Rey. You gave me the chance and I took it just as anybody in my shoes would have because you're incredible and your soul is unlike any I've known; you're intense and funny and _special,_ Rey. I know one person loving you won't fix what they did and I'm not trying to fill that void but you can't keep living thinking you're not worthy of love, you have to know that you are. What they did to you was terrible and devastating but it has nothing to do with you. They gave up the right to your emotions when they left you, don't give them any more undeserved power.”

Rey buried her head in Kylie's shoulder, her sobs quieting. Kylie tried to say something but Rey shushed her gently. 

“What are you doing?” asked Kylie a few seconds later. 

“Remembering this. I'm pretty drunk, you know.”

“I'll tell you again tomorrow if you want.”

“Please?”

Kylie made Rey a smoothie and ran her a bath, climbing in behind her. Rey had stopped crying but the hurt never left her face; eighteen years of pain were stuck in her eyes, the wounds etched in bone. Kylie washed Rey's hair, brushing through the tangles. She refilled the hot water countless times as they soaked, purging the darkness as Rey sobered up. 

When Rey started dozing off in the tub, Kylie grabbed towels and helped her out, towel drying Rey's hair for her before leading Rey to the bed. She laid her down and went to the dresser to grab some clothes. 

“No,” Rey said. “I need to feel you, please.”

Kylie smiled slightly, climbing into bed with Rey. Rey rolled over, resting her head over Kylie's heart, the hypnotic beating calming her. They laid like that for a while - Kylie stroking Rey's hair, Rey soaking up the warmth of Kylie’s skin - and just when Kylie thought Rey had fallen asleep, she spoke. 

“Thank you for coming. I'm not used to this...”

“You're not alone anymore, Rey. You don't have to suffer alone, okay?” 

Rey had only dreamed of those words, of having somebody care about her, somebody to _take care_ of her in any way. She had never given anyone the chance, too afraid of the implications. Whatever compelled Rey to let Kylie in that first night at the beach house hadn't stopped; she had told her things nobody could even guess she kept inside and she didn't feel afraid as she thought she would have. She felt safe in a way that risked being scary but the fear never came. 

Rey's hand traveled up, tracing the curve underneath Kylie's breast. With her head against her chest, Rey could hear Kylie's heart speed up, beating harder. 

“Rey,” Kylie warned, “you're going to-” _turn me on_. 

“I know,” said Rey, lifting her face up towards Kylie's. “Please.”

Kylie kissed Rey softly, their lips sticking together. She knew there was nothing she wouldn't do for Rey, no lengths she wouldn't travel to bring her peace. But _this_ was hardly treacherous and Kylie gave and gave and gave as they made love, pouring herself into Rey, kissing away every bit of pain she could reach. 

Tears spilled from Rey's eyes as she came, clutching onto Kylie, gasping. “Are you okay?” Kylie asked and Rey nodded, her eyes closed. 

“Tell me what you're feeling?” Kylie asked, kissing Rey. 

Rey pulled away from the kiss, their mouths mere centimeters apart. “ _Love,_ ” Rey said against Kylie's lips, their breaths mingling. 

Rey's need reversed, the need to feel replaced by the need to show. She crawled on top of Kylie, her kiss saying all the things she didn't have words for. 

 

By the time they fell asleep, the world was still, the bustle of the city calmed and quiet. Both women knew Kylie didn't have the power to fix Rey; no amount of love could replace eighteen years of sorrow. But for the first time, Rey knew she wasn't alone. She had somebody who gave a shit, who wanted to watch Rey heal at her own hands, in her own time. When she slept, her mind was blank, her subconscious content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think it's totally necessary given the dialogue but I want to reiterate that I in no way condone the "love heals" mentality and I hope that comes across. Both Kylie and Rey know Rey's wounds are too deep for declarations of love to fix and Rey isn't magically better after hearing them. 
> 
> As for the next chapter, let's just say that misery loves company. Someone from Kylie's past is coming back, any guesses as to who?


	9. why don't you tell me what's going on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains mentions of abuse and potential non-con; it's pretty mild IMO but if that's something you'd prefer to avoid, maybe skip the second half.

Kylie kept Rey under her wing as she rode out the season of depression, the days coming and going like pages of a book left out in the wind. Most days were unrecognizable; some were bad and others left behind traces of good that Rey clung to with hope. She felt guilty for the weight she brought to their relationship but Kylie held no resentments, seemingly unaffected by the days Rey yelled, telling her to find something better or the nights when she begged for Kylie to help her feel _something_ good. Kylie's devotion to the storm that was Rey was unwavering, her curiosity for the complexity of Rey's mind growing stronger constantly. 

At Kylie's insistence, Rey saw a psychiatrist. Court-ordered therapy had been useless for the twelve years she was in the system so Rey was hesitant, convinced it would be a waste of resources. 

"You weren't in the habit of opening up to people then," Kylie said. 

"I'm still not in the habit of opening up to people, Ky. I just open up to _you_."

"Well that wasn't so awful, was it? You can do it again."

In the end, Rey found a couple therapists with good ratings so she booked an appointment with each of them. The first was an older man who visibly twitched at the word _gay_ and as much as Rey enjoyed making people uncomfortable, she wasn't going to pay them for it. The second was a younger woman, only a few years older than Rey, it seemed. Halfway through their session she made a comment about how mental health is a choice so Rey walked out of the room without another word. She was convinced this was a waste of time. Rey went into the third appointment with little hope but Kylie convinced her to go, promising she'd be naked with a joint when she got home. 

"I could get you naked and roll a joint myself," Rey said, feigning disinterest as she dug through the closet. 

Kylie knew Rey better than that. She joined Rey in the closet, bending down to bite at her shoulder, licking the skin between her teeth. Rey stopped moving, leaning into Kylie as her breath caught in her throat. Kylie kissed the length of Rey's neck, nibbling at the space below her ear, eliciting a breathy groan. Rey turned around, her eyes glazed with lust. She kicked the closet door shut and pinned Kylie against it, kissing her senseless. Rey's hands slid down Kylie's body to the button on her pants, unbuttoning it and dipping her hand inside. 

"Nuh uh," said Kylie, unsuccessful in pulling herself together. 

"Please?" asked Rey, biting Kylie's lip. 

"Go to your appointment," Kylie said. 

Rey was kissing her girlfriend's neck, desperate to change her mind. "Can't I just taste you first?" Rey pleaded. 

Kylie groaned, having nearly succumbed to Rey's advances. 

"No," Kylie said, her voice hardly louder than silence. Rey groaned, backing away from Kylie to regain some self control. 

"Are you going to touch yourself as soon as I leave?"

"...Its a very real possibility," Kylie said, smirking. "Which is why you need to go to your appointment, _now_." 

Rey sighed in frustration, turning around to grab the clothes she had come into the closet to retrieve. 

"I'm just doing this to get into your pants, I hope you know that," Rey said. She turned her back to Kylie, slipping her shirt off over her head, the tanned skin of her back smooth and lightly freckled.

"My eyes are covered, just so _you_ know," said Kylie, still pressed against the door. 

"Yeah, but you're peeking," said Rey, not bothering to check. She was already fairly certain. 

Her leggings were next to go; she slid them over her hips, bending down purposefully to pull them off her feet, her ass looking fantastic in a black thong. 

At the sound of Kylie's breath catching, Rey smirked. "Told ya," she said, turning around just as Kylie covered her eyes again. 

Rey grabbed an oversized sweater from a hanger, throwing it on without a bra and slipping into some skinny jeans. 

"Hey- can I _blind_ fold you later?" Rey asked, kind of enjoying Kylie's covered eyes. She grabbed a pair of boots, pulling them onto her feet as Kylie muttered _oh my god_ and slipped out of the closet. 

"Is that a yes?!" Rey called after her, stumbling to chase after her, one of her boots not fully on. 

"You've gotta go!" said Kylie hurriedly, pushing Rey towards the door. If she stayed inside another moment, Kylie knew she may lose her resolve. She opened the door, handing Rey her purse.

"Oh my god, you're so turned on right now," Rey teased as Kylie shot her a look, closing the door behind her. 

Rey sighed, turning to see her neighbor, an elderly woman, unlocking the door a few feet away. 

"Oh, hi Mrs. Nesbit!" Rey said, feigning innocence as the women entered her apartment quickly. Rey pulled a face at the woman's door before reaching into her purse to make sure she had her keys. She didn't, of course. Rey knocked on the door, calling out "Kylie, I left my keys!" 

Rey heard Kylie mutter _Jesus Christ_ behind the door before opening it. Rey wedged her way in, grabbing her keys off the hook beside the door. 

"Kiss me?" Rey said and before the words were fully out of her mouth, Kylie was on her, pressing her into the wall, her mouth all but consuming Rey. 

"Can't I just stay here?" Rey asked when Kylie pulled away. 

Kylie appeared to be genuinely contemplative for a second before deciding. "No, you have to go. I promise I won't touch myself," she said. 

"I don't even believe you!" Rey said smiling, her head shaking wildly, pointing at Kylie. 

"I will _try_ ," said Kylie, unable to hold back her grin. 

"I love you," said Rey, opening up the door. 

"You know I love you too," Kylie reciprocated. "Now go!" 

Rey was on time to her appointment by some chance of metropolitan fate. She sat in the waiting room for but a minute before being called into the office. The therapist, _Amy_ , was perhaps in her late thirties, wearing a pantsuit that Rey would have admired if she were into pantsuits. It was pinstriped, black and white, and the red accent of her shirt _worked._

Amy jumped right in. "So, Rey, tell me about why you're here."

Rey frowned, unsure of what she was comfortable saying to a complete stranger. "I guess I'm depressed," Rey said. "Well, I _am_ depressed, it comes in waves. I'm mostly okay right now. My girlfriend thought I could benefit from therapy so... here I am."

-

On her way home from the appointment, Rey's phone rang, Kylie's name appearing on the screen. 

"Hello?" 

"Hey Rey, don't hate me but I was called into work early."

Rey groaned. 

"I know, trust me. But I was thinking, you should come to the club. I'll get you drunk and you can tell me about your appointment." 

Rey had popped into the club on occasion but she never stayed long enough to drink. It sounded surprisingly nice though after delving into her past with a perfect stranger. 

"Oh god, freeze booze and a stage full of naked women. That sounds like a really awful time," Rey said, smiling. "I'm not talking about therapy at a strip club though."

"Good enough. So I'll see you later?"

"Sure. Hey Kylie," Rey said. Kylie could have sworn she felt Rey blushing through the phone. "Did you end up touching yourself?"

Kylie laughed a laugh that gave herself away. "No way," she lied. 

"In that case, I'm going home to get even." 

It was Kylie's turn to groan. 

-

Rey sure as hell wasn't showing up to a strip club in a sweater and combat boots. She walked into her closet to survey her options. As always, she started with the shoes. She couldn't find her favorite pair of booties, searching the closet to no avail before it occurred to her: Kylie. 

_-I was going to wear those boots, you thief!_  
-I look so hot though  
-a likely story 

Rey pulled out a pair of shoes she knew Kylie loved to see her in, slipping them on. The heel was tall enough that she knew she'd end up kicking them off after a few drinks but she wasn't the type to care. She opted for a long sleeved, black skater dress with cut outs on the sides. She pulled her hair into a messy pony, loose wavy strands framing her face which she dressed up with a smoky eye and a nude lipstick. _Good enough,_ she thought, making sure she grabbed her keys as she left the apartment. 

The club was strangely busy for a weeknight, the bar lined with people, primarily middle-aged men. Rey found an empty bar stool and waiting for Kylie to notice her. The man beside her struck up a conversation about the weather, asking Rey how she wasn't freezing her "pretty little ass off." 

"I'm used to colder," Rey said, perpetually annoyed that she didn't give off a gay enough vibe to deem her unapproachable. 

"Where are you from?" the man asked, turning on his stool to look at her, his arm on the bar, a glass of something on the rocks in his hand. 

"Chicago mostly," said Rey, eyes still on Kylie. 

It was interesting to watch her work, conversing with such ease as she poured ice into glasses, a smile never leaving her face. Rey wouldn't describe Kylie as shy but Rey was certainly the bolder of the two; to see Kylie in her element was like meeting her for the first time in some alternate universe. Kylie had been right, she did look hot. Her long hair cascaded around her shoulders, framing her boobs which showed just enough cleavage to make Rey's heart rate quicken. The shape of Kylie's body always reminding Rey of women in the 50s; her waist was thin, her chest large, and the hourglass that ensued made Rey’s head spin.

Kylie's eyes finally landed on Rey as she said something to a man at the bar, no doubt excusing herself. Kylie appreciated the silent compliment on her girlfriend’s face, winking as she walked in Rey's direction, their eye contact unwavering. 

"What's a girl gotta do to get a drink around here?" Rey asked, grinning. 

Kylie leaned down over the bar flirtatiously, her eyes level with Rey's. "Show me your tits?" Kylie suggested, eyebrow raised.

"Get me drunk first." 

Kylie smiled, her eyes devious. She pushed back off the bar and pulled out two shot glasses and a bottle of Jameson, filling the glasses to the brim. Even _that_ looked sexy, a vast contrast to the bottle they usually passed back and forth between them, foregoing glasses entirely. 

Kylie pushed a glass towards Rey, quirking her eyebrow as she said "cheers" and the two of them threw back their shots, the heat of the alcohol on Rey's tongue as she set down the glass. 

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say the two of you were flirting," said the man beside Rey. "I'll have you know she has a girlfriend, little lady."

"Does she?" asked Rey, making eye contact with Kylie, a smirk crooked on her face. Rey was amused and Kylie saw a side of her she hadn't seen in months, the side of her that found humor and pleasure in every moment. "I'll bet she's hot." 

Kylie glanced over the bar which had cleared out significantly. She held up her hands to her barback, letting him know she'd be back in a few. She grabbed the bottle of Jameson and two new shot glasses from behind the bar and nodded for Rey to follow her, leading her towards a booth. 

"So, tell me about this girlfriend of yours," Rey teased. 

Kylie poured another round of shots, pushing one towards Rey. 

"Oh, she's definitely hot. She's got this petite little body but she's _fit_ , though I've literally never seen her workout. It's an enigma, I'll probably always wonder about it," Kylie said as she leaned in, her voice low. "Her ass is basically perfect and when she _comes_ , her jaw quivers so slightly that you just might miss it if you're not looking. But I always look. There's nothing in the world quite like it." 

_Fuck_ , mouthed Kylie, her face flushing. She wasn't expecting _that_. Thankful for the distraction, Rey grabbed the shot Kylie had poured and threw it back, wincing slightly at the burn. When she set the glass down, Kylie was grinning at her. 

"You're killing me," Rey whispered. 

"Payback for earlier," Kylie replied, sitting back against the booth. "Soo, how did the appointment go?" 

"Well that's a verbal cold shower if I've ever heard one," Rey said, pouting. 

"If I didn't change the conversation, I'd have to fuck you in the bathroom."

"I wouldn't complain, dude!" Rey said, throwing up her hands in defeat. 

"Was she hot?" asked Kylie, smirking. 

"If you're into thirty-somethings in pantsuits, sure," Rey said, glancing around the room. The dancers on stage were in the process of disrobing, shimmying their boobs free of their confines. A man grabbed at one of the women's breasts and she slapped him across the face.

"Are you going back?" Kylie asked, pouring them each another shot, completely unfazed by the commotion onstage. 

"I guess it can't hurt, right?”

-

As the months breezed by, Rey found herself hanging out at the club more. She was feeling particularly stable, her depression temporarily in check. Kylie was happy to see the her girlfriend happier and more herself, their relationship thriving. 

Winter was well underway, as much as you could expect from Los Angeles. One particularly slow night, Rey was at the club and the girls were playing a game they'd made up with a couple of the club’s regulars. They hung up sheets of paper on two dart boards; one paper had types of alcohol hand written on it, the other had mixers. It was Rey's turn to throw and her darts landed on merlot and Coke. 

“This has to be the worst combination of the night,” Rey groaned as Kylie prepared the drink. “Can't I get a rethrow?”

“You know the rules, little lady, drink up,” said Charlie, the older man Rey had become somewhat fond of, the one who had chatted with her about the weather. 

Rey gulped the drink down, grimacing at the aftertaste. “That was terrible,” she said. 

“It'll teach ya to shoot better, that's for damn sure,” said Charlie. 

“Hey old man, watch yourself,” Rey said, playfully pointing her finger towards him. “I have a bottle of Lagavulin in my purse. If you suffer through a Coke and merlot, I might pour you a glass.”

Charlie’s penchant for whiskey nearly matched Rey’s own; they'd frequently bonded over particularly nice bottles of the stuff, keeping notes in a little book behind the bar. Every pay day, Rey bought a bottle of something new, thankful to not be drinking Jack or Jameson for a few nights. More often than not, she'd pour Charlie’s drinks along with hers, grateful for somebody who'd appreciate fine alcohol. 

A few hours later, Rey was feeling pretty saucy. Kylie had cut her off, hiding her bottle of whiskey and setting out a bowl of pretzels. 

“But _mom_ ,” Rey pouted, her pretty, hazel eyes feigning sadness. Kylie shot her a look so Rey hopped off the bar stool, dragging Charlie off to the pool table with her. 

The two of them were engulfed in the game, their attentions glued to the table. Rey was ahead by two balls; she rarely beat _anyone_ and she was planning to make this game her bitch. As she drew back the cue to shoot, Kylie pulled her arm away, leading her towards the back room. 

“I hope you're dragging me away for something good, I was going to win!”

“Rey, I need you to go home, no questions asked,” Kylie said, her tone serious, voice low. 

“What? Why?” Rey asked. 

“ _No questions asked_ ,” Kylie repeated. 

“What happened?” Rey was too drunk to _not_ ask questions. She was confused and somewhat concerned at Kylie's insistence. 

“Shit, Rey, I can't explain now. It's a guy I know. He could be dangerous, he wants to talk to me. Go home, please.” 

"Wait, he wants to talk to you and he's dangerous and you want me to _go home_? That sounds like a _no_ for me. Who is it? The fuck is going on?”

“No, Rey. I'm serious, please, go home. Do you need me to have Charlie put you in a cab?”

Rey shook her head. Kylie obviously wouldn't take no for an answer but Rey knew she couldn't go home, she couldn't leave Kylie when she was potentially in danger. She grabbed her coat and walked through the front door, seeing neither Kylie or any unfamiliar man on her way out. She waited a minute before heading back inside, not totally sure where they may be. 

Rey walked towards the back door and heard Kylie yelling. She opened the door silently, checking to make sure she wouldn't be seen as she followed the sounds into the alley. Rey backed herself against the wall, the shrill of her girlfriend's voice rising in pitch 

"-what makes you think I'd ever help you? What gives you the right to come looking for me at all? You don't get to come here like nothing fucking happened- like you're _innocent_."

The man's voice was low, his accent thick on his tongue. "Girl, you calmen down! Vee had das deal, you ran off vis zee money-"

_Germany??_ Rey wondered who the hell had come from Germany to talk to Kylie? Her heart beat subtly in her chest, worry creeping through her. The man sounded like a real asshole. 

"You _beat the shit out of me_ , Snoke, or have you conveniently forgotten? ."

"You are my vife-"

Wife. _Wife._ Rey covered her mouth, her eyes wide. Kylie was somebody's wife? Rey was suddenly certain she would vomit, the alcohol catching up with her. She slid to the ground, her spare hand wrapping around her knees. It felt suddenly cold as Rey paled, her body shaking against her will. 

"Don't act like that means anything to you besides a ticket to America. Get the fuck out of my life and sign the papers or I swear to god I will _destroy_ you. I will ruin you, Snoke. You have no power over me," Kylie said, her voice lowering from a scream to a deadly growl. "I have records of _everything._ Don't push me to make a statement, you will lose everything.." 

Rey heard the man's heavy footsteps followed by the click of Kylie's heels, no doubt him moving towards her as she backed away.

"I vant zee das money, girl-"

"If you touch me again, I'll kill you myself. That's a promise. Get the fuck away from me," Kylie spat. She must have been holding a bottle because the sound of smashing glass and sloshing liquid filled the silence in the alley. 

"Fuckink crazy girl," Snoke said. 

"Get your fucking hands **off of me** ," Kylie screamed. Rey's heart thudded in her chest, terrified. She wanted to intervene but she was frozen in her spot, paralyzed by shock. She was glad when she heard the bouncer round the front of the building, asking if there was a problem. The sound of Snoke's heavy footsteps faded as he fled the alley. 

"You have a week to sign the papers or I will ruin you," Kylie yelled after him. "I'm not fucking kidding!" 

When the sound of his feet disappeared, the silence was broken as Kylie screamed, a primal, painful sound lasting as long as the air in her chest could hold out, the end of the scream collapsing into a sob. Rey couldn't move. Her desire to comfort Kylie was conflicted by the terror that held her in place. Rey didn't move, not even an inch, her eyes fixated on a piece of paper wedged under a box, blowing vaguely in the wind. 

She wasn't aware of Kylie's footsteps heading in her direction, no doubt intending to go through the back door into the club. It wasn't until Kylie rounded the corner and froze that Rey looked up, her face a mix of fear and confusion, looking not unlike a scared animal.

"Oh, fuck..." Kylie said, the anguish clear on her face. "I told you to go ho-"

"You're married?" Rey asked quietly, her eyes hesitantly rising to meet Kylie's. "You're _married_??" she repeated, still processing, the inflection of her voice rising as life poured back into her body. She didn't know what she felt but she was certain she felt it all and all at once. 

"Rey-"

"Why the fuck didn't you _tell me_ , Kylie? Did you _ever_ plan to tell me?" Rey asked as she stood up; emotion ran through her, anger presenting itself first. 

"I-"

"What if I had asked you to marry me, Kylie? What would you have said? Jesus Christ," Rey said, her hands pressing into her temples. "What the fuck? Why didn't you tell me?!"

"I'm not _proud_ , Rey, I-"

"I have to go," Rey said, her stomach churning. She turned and walked down the alley, pausing as nausea washed over her. She bent over, steadying herself with a hand against the brick building, her stomach emptying itself onto the concrete. Kylie approached Rey, pulling her hair back as she puked. She expected Rey to recoil from her touch and was surprised when she didn't. She wouldn't look at her but at least she wasn't entirely repulsed. 

"I have to go," Rey said again, heading down the alley. "I'll see you later." Rey turned right when she got to the street and Kylie felt the slightest bit of relief: her own house was right, Rey's apartment was left. 

Kylie stared after Rey until she felt steady enough to move. She wiped her eyes, fixing her makeup, before returning back into the club. It was late and the club would be closing in an hour. She was sure she'd be in trouble for disappearing for half an hour and figured she should probably at least finish her shift. Kylie felt like a shell of herself as she worked, her smile empty, conversation lacking. She was terrified of what Rey would say when she got home and yet she counted the minutes regardless. 

She walked home, not bothering with a cab, working the nervous energy off as she went. She was certain Rey would break up with her and she wanted to ensure she'd at least be tired enough to sleep. 

She walked into her quiet house, seeing a dim light pour out of the bathroom. Of course; it occurred to her that Rey came to _her_ house because the tub was far superior than Rey's and the bath was Rey's sanctuary. 

She took a deep breath before opening the bathroom door. Smoke pooled out of the bathroom, a combination of weed and cigarettes, and Kylie promised herself she wouldn't scold Rey for smoking cigarettes inside this time. 

Rey’s eyes met Kylie's without hesitation. 

"God, I'm sorry," said Rey, almost immediately. "Come here?"

Kylie slipped out of her clothes and eased into the tub across from Rey, confused as to why _she_ was apologizing. Kylie opened her mouth to speak before Rey beat her to it. 

"I'm so sorry," she said again, touching Kylie's leg. "This isn't about me- I just. That was a really shitty reaction and I'm sorry, I was just- in shock, and drunk, and confused. Are you _okay_?"

Kylie nodded, just barely. Rey handed her the pipe which she accepted gladly, taking a hit before speaking.

"Your reaction was pretty appropriate," she said slowly. "I should have told you."

"Yeah, you should have," Rey agreed. They locked eye contact for a few moments, a million emotions flashing between them. "Kylie, I'm on your side. You know that, right? You could literally kill somebody and I'd defend you. I lost my ability to remain impartial when I fell in love with you. It may not be right or healthy or anything else but it's a _fact_. I could have understood- I just need to know. Everything." 

Kylie was quiet, gathering her courage, trying to figure out where to start. Her hands skimmed the top of the water, watching droplets slide down her hand. She sighed, keeping her eyes down as she spoke. 

"When I graduated university, I went to Europe for a while, just traveling around. I was broke, my parents cut me off so my friend Rachel and I just kind of backpacked around, living in hostels, working odd jobs. We got to Berlin and fell in love with the nightlife, staying there for months, basically high the entire time. I met Alexander - _Snoke_ \- at a club, we were all rolling and he was handsome and _rich_ and he invited us to stay with him for a while. So we did," Kylie said as she packed another bowl, pausing to take a hit. "He eventually asked me to marry him in exchange for money. I was broke and it seemed easy enough, right? I was so strung out and envisioned all this money and freedom, all the drugs money could buy, clothes, _shoes._ We came to New York and eloped. We had to be married for two years for him to get his green card and then then another three before he became a citizen. We didn't actually act like we were married, we lived in the same house and I guess fooled around occasionally," Kylie said, Rey cringing at the euphemism, "but I didn't love him. He wanted a baby, he said it would make the process easier. I flipped out, told him I was putting my foot down and there was no way in hell I'd be attached to him for the rest of my life... so he _hit_ me."

Kylie took a breath, attempting to regain composure. Rey grabbed the pack of cigarettes off the floor, lighting two at once before passing one to Kylie. Rey expected Kylie to make her usual comment - _I don't smoke... I guess I'll make an exception though_ \- but instead, she just took it, inhaling deeply. 

"It was a vicious cycle," Kylie continued. "He'd hit me and I'd get _fucked_ up and I'd wake up in his bed. I'd freak out and he'd hit me again. Rinse and repeat. Eventually I got pregnant. I don't even remember sleeping with him, I can't imagine a single time. We _did_ but I was so messed up, I'd forget by morning. I don't know how he found out but he did, he was ecstatic. I was terrified of the idea of him raising a child, plus I didn't even _want_ a kid. I got an abortion, planning to play it off as a miscarriage or something but he _knew._ I don't know how he always knew everything but he did. When I came home, he was wasted. I tried getting to my room before him and he grabbed my foot, dragging me down the stairs." 

Rey met Kylie's gaze, her eyes horrified, reflecting the pain she found in Kylie. 

"I'll spare you the details but it was bad. I was hospitalized, the police came and took a report. I didn't want to press charges, I just wanted it to be over. I signed myself out against medical advice, switched my bank account so he couldn't track me down and bounced around, trying to lay low. I didn't want to think about it at all... I filed for divorce a few months ago, I guess that's how he found me. And that pretty much brings us to today."

Kylie sounded detached as she recounted the details. She had scarcely made eye contact with Rey, her eyes fixed on her hands instead. 

"Fuck," said Rey, the enormity of the situation sinking in. She pushed her way through the water to Kylie, pressing their bodies together as she wrapped her arms around Kylie's neck. "That's, just- _fuck_ ," she said again, sitting in back in front of Kylie. "I'm so sorry, Ky. I shouldn't have sat around the corner like an idiot, if I had known, I would have-" 

"Killed him?" Kylie finished for her. 

" _Yes._ "

"Rey, if you ever see him for any reason, get away. Promise me that? He's dangerous, if he knew we were together, he'd hurt you. Promise me."

"Kylie, I-"

"Promise me, Rey."

Rey looked at Kylie, her face pleading, desperate for Rey to agree. Rey's defiance was rooted in her fierce loyalty to Kylie, the unnerving need to protect her. It was a new feeling for Rey and it took all of her will power to push it aside and agree. 

"Okay. I promise. Are you... safe? Is he coming back?" Rey asked, her face riddled with worry. 

"If he's smart, he won't. He's done a lot of terrible things he's somehow managed to evade punishment for. A man contacted me in Berlin, telling me Snoke had many victims but not enough evidence to convict. He asked me if he had done anything to me and at the time, he hadn't. I have his number. He told me to call if anything happened, that my testimony could put him away for _years_. I don't want any part of that, I just want him out of my life."

"What if he comes back for the money?" Rey asked. 

"I'd like to see him try to find it."

"How much did he pay you?" 

Kylie looked at Rey, her cynical smile crooked. "Somewhere in the ballpark of half a million?" 

" _Jesus,_ " said Rey.

"I haven't hardly touched it. It feels too dirty," Kylie said, reaching for another cigarette. 

"I can imagine," said Rey. She couldn't really imagine though, not really. She'd never had money, not the way Kylie had. Though she could pay her bills with money left to play with, Rey had never lived a life of luxury. Kylie seemed to pick up on Rey's thoughts, tilting her head as she stared at her.

"We should go something if he signs the papers," she said. "To celebrate."

"Where do you want to go?" Rey asked, feeling skeptical. 

"Where do _you_ want to go?" Kylie had been around, she'd seen the wonders of the world and then some, her family traveling often throughout her adolescence.

"Not Germany," Rey said smugly. "Those accents suck." 

"Seriously, anywhere in the world. Let's go there," Kylie said, knocking her knee into Rey's. 

The water had cooled down and goosebumps snaked across Rey's skin. She reached for the plug to let out some water before refilling the tub with warmth. 

"Don't you think planning is a little preemptive?" asked Rey cautiously. "What if he doesn't sign them?" 

"Then maybe we will have to _move_ out of the country," Kylie teased. 

Neither of them spoke much as they laid in the tub, smoking and processing. Rey felt something tighten in her chest, something she couldn't quite put her finger on. It was a nervous energy, a restlessness she hadn't felt in years. When Kylie fell asleep, Rey went to the living room, sitting in silence as her thoughts raced. She pulled out a notebook and started writing. She was vaguely aware of the sun rising, the sounds of life awakening in the city, the small ache in her hand from writing. What she didn't hear was the alarm clock on her phone ringing in the bedroom; it wasn't until Kylie walked into the living room holding Rey's phone, still half asleep, that Rey realized she hadn't slept at all. Kylie looked around the room at the scattered pages strewn haphazardly around Rey, bewildered. 

“Are you okay?” Kylie asked, throwing Rey the phone. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I feel great, actually,” Rey said. 

The words sounded strange coming out of her mouth; Rey was halfway surprised that she hadn't slept yet, the other half oddly exhilarated. More than that though was Rey's surprise that what she had said didn't sound like a lie: she really did feel great. 

Rey got ready for work quickly, throwing on clothes and gathering her things before heading out the door, kissing Kylie on the way. As she left, Kylie stared after her, eyes narrowed and mouth ajar. Kylie had a bad feeling about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a doozy to write. A lot was rewritten a million times and I'm still not thrilled with it but it'll do. Just needed to present a recurring storyline and develop a conflict that'll erupt soon. I hope this wasn't too choppy to read!


	10. bleed to love her

"I wanna dance," Rey said, eyes fixed on the stage. There was a small smile on her face as she watched the girls dance; she was amused, a fire behind her eyes. 

"You- you want to _dance_ -dance?" Kylie asked, quirking an eyebrow at her girlfriend in confusion. Kylie couldn't imagine Rey stripping. As hot and charismatic as she was and no matter how good she looked in lingerie, Kylie couldn't understand what compelled Rey to want to dance. It just wasn't like her. 

"Doesn't it look like fun? You said you've done it before, right? I could totally do that. I think it would be fun."

Kylie just stared at Rey questioningly, wonder what kind of alien kidnapped her girlfriend. Rey had to be a certain caliber of drunk to even consider dancing with Kylie at a bar and while she danced with adept ease, the idea of her wanting to strip was so left field that Kylie wondered whether she was just fucking with her. 

"If you want to, feel free. It just seems unlike you, I guess."

Poe and Finn walked into the club then, distracting Rey from her tangent as she scurried across the room towards them. Kylie watched her greet them, all smiles as she kissed their cheeks, dragging them behind her back to where Kylie worked behind the bar. 

“Oh my god,” said Poe, “I've never been to a strip club with girls before. Look at those boobs!” 

“I've never seen so many boobs in my life,” Finn chimed in, watching a blonde crawl around the stage. “Are they always so… _big_?” 

“What do you think?” Rey said, gesturing towards her A-cup. 

"Quality, not quantity,” Kylie said, winking at her girlfriend. 

Rey just grinned. “So you say.”

“So what are you drinking tonight?” asked Kylie, glancing around the group, her smile flirtatious and exuberant. Her words were casual but she could have said anything and still have sounded and looked divine. 

“Oh, she sounds professional,” Poe said, pawing at Rey's arm as they watched the ease with which Kylie moved behind the bar. “How do you _stand_ it?”

“I just get her home as quickly as possible and have my way with her, of course,” Rey responded, grinning. 

Finn, with decades of exposure to Kylie under his belt, rolled his eyes, unfazed. “Well, I don't know about these idiots but I'll take a gin and tonic.” 

"Oh, for me too!” said Poe. 

“Dirty martini for me, pretty please!” said Rey. 

Kylie always admired Rey's alcoholic preferences. Most of the girls that came into the club ordered fruity mixed drinks or light beers; Rey preferred straight alcohol and drank it with rarely even a wince, truly _enjoying_ the taste. 

The bar was slow so Kylie took the group and their drinks to a booth to catch up. 

“We moved in together!” said Poe as they drained their drinks. “Right across from the pier, it's such a _fun_ view.”

“Any plans for you two to move in?” asked Finn. 

“What's the point?” said Rey. “We are always together anyway, and this way we have options.”

“The lady speaks the truth,” Kylie confirmed. “Rey's apartment is closer to both of our jobs, but my house has the better tub and more space if we’re getting annoyed with each other.”

“Do you get annoyed with me?!” Rey asked, pretending to be upset. 

“No, _dear_ , you get annoyed with me.”

“Never!” said Rey, her hand over her heart in mock offense. Rey cozied up to Kylie, her hand slipping into her lap. Kylie looked down at Rey with a warning look which only encouraged her. Rey's hand slipped between Kylie's legs, and Kylie's bare thighs closed on her hand, locking them in place. Rey looked up at Kylie, pouting, and Kylie kissed her cheek. 

“You should let me,” Rey whispered in Kylie's ear as she bent down to kiss Rey. “What's the worst that could happen?” 

“I can think of many things.”

Rey reached out to poke at Kylie's ribs, making her jump. Rey took the opportunity to move her hand closer, her hand now flush against Kylie. Kylie closed her eyes, breathing through her nose. 

Rey grinned and stroked at Kylie who instinctively opened her legs slightly, providing Rey better access. Rey held her conversation at the table without issue as warmth spread through Kylie's body, rendering her unable to speak. When Rey pushed aside Kylie's panties and felt her wetness, she nearly groaned herself before remembering they had company at the booth. Rey slipped a finger inside of Kylie and the taller girl gasped gently, just loudly enough for Rey to hear. 

“Mind if I borrow Rey for a minute?” Kylie asked, all but pushing Rey out of the booth, adjusting her dress as she scooted herself out.

Kylie took Rey's hand and led her to a private room at the club. 

“You're killing me,” Kylie said, approaching Rey like a predator. She grabbed her face, kissing her hard as she pulled them towards a couch. Rey was buzzing, thrill coursing through her veins like static waiting to electrocute. Kylie sat down, pulling Rey along with her. Rey straddled Kylie's lap, grinding their hips together. They had never done this, despite all the times Rey tried to get Kylie to agree. 

“We- have ten minutes- tops,” Kylie said between kisses. 

“Fair enough,” Rey agreed, sinking to her knees, unwilling to waste a second. 

-

Kylie hurried back behind the bar as her barback – _George_ – rolled his eyes at her, shooting her a knowing glance. 

“What?” said Kylie, pointedly, as George smirked and walked towards the back room. 

“My break now,” George said. “ _I_ won't be late.”

“Bite me!” Kylie called after him, winking when he looked back. 

Kylie tended to the men at the bar, flirting as she poured their drinks with ease. 

"How's the wife, Gary?” Kylie asked, pulling a stool up behind the bar to sit and chat a while. 

“Insane as ever,” Gary said. “You know how women can be.”

Kylie snorted, her agreement left unsaid. She wondered whether her own partner was going insane; Kylie had her suspicions and questioned whether Rey's psychologist picked up on the things Kylie did. She didn't know what they talked about but she had a sinking feeling that they were getting nowhere fast. 

Kylie watched her friends at the booth. Rey was talking their ears off, animatedly explaining something Kylie couldn't make out but the boys were enjoying Rey completely, laughing along with her. Kylie felt bad that she was worried about Rey when she was clearly so _happy_ lately but that was the problem, entirely. There were times when Rey wasn't depressed that she seemed perfectly fine, stable. But this didn't feel stable to Kylie, Rey seemed _too_ good. She had told Rey again and again that she had no intentions of diagnosing her, but Kylie couldn't stop herself from worrying. 

Rey saw Kylie staring and got up from the booth, heading towards the bar. 

“Why so glum, sugarplum?” Rey asked, hopping up onto a barstool. 

“So cheesy,” said Kylie, rolling her eyes . She pushed her worry aside, happy for Rey's company. “Drinks?”

“Well I was just here to see you, but when in Rome, right?”

Kylie pulled out some shot glasses, filling them with whiskey. She handed one to Rey and they threw them back. 

“You know me so well,” Rey purred, licking the alcohol off her lips. 

“It's easy when you're so predictable,” Kylie teased, grabbing three glasses to send back to the table for Rey and the boys. She poured their gin and tonics first, then asked Rey if she wanted another martini. 

“You trying to get me drunk?” asked Rey, smiling. “Yes, please.”

As Kylie mixed the martini, Rey moved so that she was kneeling on the barstool, excited. 

“I'm gonna learn to play an instrument,” she said out of the blue. 

Kylie looked up from Rey's drink, her eyebrow raised. “Oh? Which one?”

“Maybe the guitar. Seems easy enough, right?” 

It was no secret that Rey loved music and seemed innately musically inclined; her singing voice was beautiful despite her lack of training. Kylie often sat outside the bathroom door, listening to Rey sing in the shower. They were beautiful moments, transporting Kylie to somewhere serene, far away from the city. 

“That would be cool,” admitted Kylie. Whatever whim compelled Rey to want to play the guitar seemed random but Kylie supported it. “You'll have to sing outside the shower though, I've heard guitars don't fare well in water.” 

Rey just smiled. “I love you.”

“I know,” Kylie responded, leaning over the bar to kiss her girlfriend. 

-

Rey often closed out the club with Kylie at 3 am but that night, she headed home early, sharing a cab with the boys. She was dropped off at Kylie's house first, hugging the boys behind as she darted inside. 

Rey pulled open her laptop and headed straight to YouTube. She watched videos on music theory, composition, and basic guitar lessons. She hadn't yet purchased a guitar but wanted to get a head start, learning all she could. She was hungry to learn and sat at the computer for hours until Kylie returned home. 

“What are you watching?” Kylie asked, sliding onto the couch beside her girlfriend. Rey was sitting cross legged, the laptop propped on her lap. She had changed into comfy clothes, shorts and a loose long sleeved shirt, thigh high socks on her legs.

“Music stuff,” Rey said, eyes not leaving the screen. The video was a guitar lesson and Kylie thought it seemed a little advanced. 

“You don't even have a guitar yet!” 

“Just absorbing information,” Rey said, still engulfed in the lesson. 

Kylie reached out and paused the video before closing the laptop, sliding it off of Rey. 

“Heeeeey!” protested Rey, glaring playfully at Kylie. 

“Come to bed, it's late.” 

It was true, it was nearly 4 and Rey had to be awake soon for work. 

“It's not that late!” 

“Let's go, don't make me carry you.”

“Ha! You couldn't carry me,” Rey teased, pinching at Kylie's thin arms. “I have to weigh more than you.”

“I don't know about that, I have a solid 5 inches on you.”

“But check out these guns,” Rey said, flexing her arm muscles. Kylie bent down and bit at her admittedly buff arm, the muscle hard beneath her teeth. 

“Where the hell do these muscles come from?” Kylie asked, always in awe of Rey's effortlessly toned body. 

“Probably from fingering the life out of you,” Rey said, climbing onto Kylie's lap, kissing gently at her neck. 

“You're insatiable,” commented Kylie. 

“Are you complaining?” Rey asked against Kylie's throat. Kylie pressed back against Rey, attempting to shake off the lust that crept into her. 

“Come on, bed,” Kylie insisted. “To _sleep_ , Rey.” 

“But I don't wanna sleep,” Rey whined. “I wanna make you come.”

“You already did at the club, remember? You need to sleep before work. You'll be a zombie.”

“No I won't!” Rey insisted, hopping off the couch. “Pinky promise!”

“ _Sleep_ ,” Kylie said, pulling Rey towards the bedroom. 

Kylie grabbed some pajamas from her dresser, heading towards the bathroom. She threw her long hair up in a bun and washed her face before sliding out of her work clothes and into pajamas. She sighed at the sudden comfort of them and felt exhausted, heading back towards the bed. Rey was laying on her stomach, her head propped in her hands as she watched Kylie. 

“No sex, Rey. It's off the table. You need to sleep.” 

Rey groaned, burying her face in the comforter. “But I'm so horny!” she said, her voice muffled by the blanket. 

“You're always horny,” Kylie reminded her. 

“Not _always_ ,” Rey protested. It was true, there were times Rey turned down Kylie's advances, but lately it seemed like she could fuck for days straight. 

Kylie sighed, turning off the light as she climbed in bed, pulling Rey into her. “Sleep,” she said again, curling against her girlfriend. 

Rey’s hips wiggling against Kylie’s and Kylie groaned, admonishing her. 

“You're breathing on my neck!” said Rey. “I can't help it!”

Kylie sighed, rolling away from Rey who followed her, resuming the position of the big spoon. 

“Better?” asked Kylie.

“Yes.”

“Good, now sleep.”

Rey did sleep. When her alarm went off a few hours later, Kylie was surprised to find Rey still cuddled up against her. So often lately, Rey's insomnia pulled her out of bed in the middle of the night and Kylie found her in the morning as her alarm went off. Rey would often be cleaning, scrubbing the bath tub, sanitizing the fridge, rearranging the living room even. She seemed so _proud_ when Kylie found her. “How does it look?” she'd ask, unaware of the concern on her girlfriend’s face. 

To find Rey still in bed in the morning had been a relief, though she only slept 3 hours before her alarm went off. It was better than no sleep, at least. Kylie nudged Rey to turn off her alarm and closed her eyes again as Rey rolled out of the bed. Kylie had never minded working nights, preferring to sleep through the afternoon anyway. She thought it must be wearing on Rey, though. Surely so little sleep was affecting her circadian rhythm, exacerbating her insomnia. Kylie’s thoughts silenced as she fall back to sleep, cozy in their warm bed. 

When Rey got home from work, Kylie was getting ready to head to the club. She was wearing super skinny jeans with boots and a black tank top. “You look yummy,” commented Rey. 

“Are you coming out tonight?” asked Kylie. 

“Not tonight. I'm going to go buy a guitar!” 

“Oh yeah?” Kylie asked, eyeing her girlfriend. So she was serious about this guitar thing after all. 

“Yep. I'm going to be an expert when you come home,” Rey said confidently. 

“Are you going to serenade me?” 

“Only if you let me fuck you after,” Rey said, grinning. 

“Well when you ask so nicely…” Kylie joked, rolling her eyes. 

Kylie left for work and Rey headed to the guitar store, driving a little too fast in an attempt to get there more quickly. Blue and red lights flashed behind her and Rey cursed out loud, pulling over to the shoulder. 

“License and registration, ma'am?” the officer requested as he reached her window. Rey dug in her glove box, handing them to him. “Do you know how fast you were driving?” 

“No?”

“75 in a 45 zone. I'm going to have to give you a ticket,” he said. 

He walked back to his car and Rey sighed, laying her head back against the headrest. She hadn't gotten a speeding ticket since she was a teen. 

The officer came back with a clipboard for Rey to sign, ripping off a section of the paper to hand to Rey. 

“Obey the law,” the officer said as he walked back to his car. 

_Obey the law?_ Rey repeated to herself. _Fuck the law._

Rey was annoyed, her distaste for authority coursing through her. It wasn't long before she was speeding again, this time out of spite. She reached the store without further incident, her body buzzing with energy. 

She walked around the showroom, her fingers dragging along the bodies of the guitars, looking for one that spoke to her. Her eyes settled on a Gibson and she thought it was the prettiest guitar in the room; she had to have it. She glanced at the price tag and cringed: $949.99. Rey was thankful for a paid off credit card, impulsively buying the guitar before she could talk herself out of it. 

Back at home, Rey got to work with the guitar and found that it came easily to her, as though she already knew how to play. She thanked YouTube for teaching her so much over the course of a few sleepless nights, as she had already memorized chords and only had to practice them a few times to get it right. She had to be a genius, Rey deduced, it couldn't possibly be this easy if not. That thought played on repeat in Rey's head throughout the night: _you are a genius; you can do anything._

It had begun to sound like somebody in the room was repeating it to Rey but as she looked around, she was most definitely alone. _Weird_ , Rey thought, smiling deviously. She felt like she were on a higher level, levitating above her earthly form as it repeated in her head. 

_You can do anything, you can do anything, you can do anything._

“You're right,” Rey said aloud, cocking her head to the side, amused. “I can.”

-

When Kylie came home from work, she walked in to the sound of Rey at the guitar, actually _playing music._ Kylie froze in the doorway to the bedroom, watching as Rey sat on the bed, her fingers plucking at the strings as though she'd been playing for a lifetime. Kylie couldn’t tell if she was worried or impressed at Rey's instant success. It was deeply uncanny. 

“Rey, did you- did you just teach yourself to do that?”

“Yes,” Rey beamed. 

“You've never played the guitar before?”

“Nope,” said Rey, her eyes on the the laptop screen, no doubt reading tabs. She was playing something familiar, the chords immediately recognizable to Kylie. When Rey sang, Kylie's heart pounded in her chest. 

_My lover’s got humor_  
She's a giggle at a funeral  
Knows everybody's disapproval  
Should have worshipped her sooner 

Kylie had heard Rey sing a million times before, she'd even heard her sing this song a handful of times but the perfection of her voice tonight was remarkable. She seemed to have packed a decade’s worth of vocal lessons into a couple of hours; her voice was dripping with soul. 

_My church offers no absolutes_  
Tells me worship in the bedroom  
The only heaven I'll be sent to  
Is when I'm alone with you  
I was born sick but I love it  
Command me to be well 

Kylie couldn't decipher the feelings coursing through her; she was captivated, bewitched but also afraid. She felt as though she had spent the past few weeks watching her girlfriend spiral out of control, slipping further and further still into a state she'd never seen Rey in before. It was alarming how quickly she had learned to play the guitar and even more haunting how Rey thought so little of it. She watched Rey as Rey watcher her, their eye contact only breaking as Rey looked down at her new guitar, strumming with ease. 

_Take me to church_  
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies  
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife  
Offer me that deathless death  
And good god, let me give you my life 

Kylie approached Rey, drawn instinctively to her. Kylie wanted to cry, she wanted to kiss Rey until she came down from whatever high was driving her. Kylie knew fully well what was wrong with Rey, she had studied mental health enough to know where Rey was. She couldn't tell her though, she couldn't be the one to push her further into her mania. 

Tears spilled over Kylie's cheeks as she took the guitar out of Rey's hands, stopping her mid-chord. Her heart was aching; she was terrified. She didn't know what else to do for Rey so she laid her down against the bed, kissing her gently, pouring her love into Rey, desperate for her to feel it, for it to heal her. Kylie knew it couldn't, she knew there was better help – medications, therapies – but she couldn't do that for Rey. So she just kissed her as her tears fell onto Rey's face, wishing they could baptize her, make her well. 

“Why are you crying?” asked Rey. 

“I love you so much; I'm scared for you, Rey.” 

“But I feel better,” whispered Rey. 

-

The days came and went in a similar fashion; Rey hardly slept, and Kylie would find her up in the middle of the night, singing in the bathroom, her guitar in her arms. She somehow managed to make it through work every day without issue but she rarely came out to the club. She holed herself up, the constant stream of music pouring from one of their homes. 

-

"How did your appointment go with Amy this week?" Kylie asked over dinner. They had ordered Thai, Rey's favorite, yet she merely picked at her food, stabbing individual grains of rice onto her fork meticulously. 

"I didn't go," Rey offered up without protest. 

"Why not?" asked Kylie, feeling suddenly sick. 

"I feel great, I don't need therapy right now." 

“When was the last time you went?” Kylie asked hesitantly. She put down her fork and watched Rey. 

“A month ago, I think. I don't know. Whenever I started feeling better. Why does it matter?”

"Rey, you need to make an appointment. Tomorrow. I'll take you if I have to but you need to go."

"Kylie, I'm fine!" Rey snapped, her eyes fixed on Kylie's accusingly. "I haven't felt this good in months, years even."

"That's the problem, Rey. You're _too_ good, I'm worried about you." 

"How does that make any fucking sense, Ky? Do you _want_ me to be depressed?" Rey spat. 

"I want you to be stable."

"The fuck is wrong with you, Kylie?" Rey said, standing up angrily. "I'm going home. Don't follow me.”

Rey grabbed her purse and guitar and stormed out of the house. Kylie didn't move, hardly looking up from Rey's untouched plate until she heard Rey's tires tear out of the driveway. 

When she knew she was gone, Kylie cried. Her chest felt like it was ripping apart, devastation consuming her. She didn't know what the fuck to do. 

She searched for Amy’s number, knowing she'd be out of the office but not caring. It was Saturday and she wouldn't get the message until Monday but Kylie couldn't wait until then. 

“Hi, Amy, this is Kylie Ren, Rey Kenobi’s girlfriend. I know there isn't much you can do or tell me but I'm worried about Rey. She's… falling apart. She's not sleeping, she's not eating, she's spiraling out of control and I don't know what to do. I know she hasn't seen you in a while, she thinks she's okay. I just- I thought you should know.” 

-

Rey sped down the street, blowing through stop signs, drifting around corners. Her entire body was tingling and she needed to do something. She needed a _drink_. 

She pulled up to a bar, some modern hipster place. She got out of the car, slamming the door behind her. She blew through the doors and stalked her way up to the bar. 

“Three shots of whiskey,” she told the bartender. She was nowhere near as hot as Kylie and it made Rey _mad_. 

The bartender poured the shots which Rey consumed in quick succession, one after the other. She threw down money on the bar and walked through the crowds of people. 

Someone grabbed her hand and Rey turned around to see a man standing before her. He was tall, taller than Kylie even, his face scruffy and handsome. 

“Want to dance?” he asked. Rey's immediate response was to roll her eyes and walk away but something compelled her. 

_You can do anything._

“What did you say?” Rey asked the man. 

“Do you want to dance?”

“No, the other thing,” Rey said. 

“I didn't say anything else.”

“Oh. Okay,” Rey said, allowing him to drag her onto the floor. 

Rey thought it felt weird, dancing with a man, but her skin was crawling and she had to do _something_ to make it stop. Her body moved against his as his hand moved down her body. 

“I'm gay,” Rey said over the sound of the music. 

“How do you know? Have you ever been with a guy?”

Rey paused and turned around to look at him. Under any other circumstances she would have kneed him in the dick and walked away but she tipped her head and looked at him. 

“No,” she said at last. 

“You want to try?” 

Rey was confused. Under normal circumstances, she wouldn't have even considered it. But she was. 

_You can do anything_. 

“I think I'm going crazy,” Rey confessed to the man. 

“Crazy is subjective,” he said. 

Rey's body physically _hurt,_ the energy in her skin was screaming to be quieted. 

“Okay,” Rey said. 

“Okay what?”

“I want to try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this is getting HARD- it's like my own personal psychotherapy.
> 
> Feel free to diagnose Rey if you'd like to! It'll be addressed directly in the next chapter (which is going to get deeply insane) so now's your chance. I feel like I've made it pretty obvious, especially with the use of a particular buzzword so I'm curious if it's something you recognize. 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading this mess!


	11. taken by the wind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are triggered by mental health descriptions, this might be a good chapter (or general fic!) to avoid. If not, let's go watch Rey lose her mind!

_Everybody knows._

The voice woke her up. Rey blinked. The sun was out, streaming through the curtains. Rey's eyes widened as she realized she didn’t know where she was; she had never been here before. Somebody was beside her, a broad form under covers, their head beneath a pillow. 

Rey panicked and pushed herself backwards, falling off the bed. The body moved and the pillow was pulled off their head- _his_ head. Everything rushed back to Rey in fuzzy details. Kissing him at the bar, letting him take her home… "oh, god," Rey spoke aloud. 

_Everybody knows._

Rey realized the man was talking to her. 

"Still gay?" he asked, a smug grin on his face. "Seemed like you had fun." 

Rey was certain this wasn't real. She glanced down at her hands and was relieved to find they didn't belong to her. It was just a dream. 

_You're awake, Rey._

"Who said that?" Rey whispered, glancing around the room. She was terrified, she couldn't separate reality from- from whatever this was. 

The man on the bed looked at her, silent. "Are you okay?" he asked finally. 

"Am I real?" 

"...Do you want me to call somebody?"

"Who?" 

"A friend? Parent?"

"I don't have any."

The man moved, standing up from the bed. He placed his arms in front of him as if to keep Rey calm as he walked towards her. 

Rey grabbed her purse and ran, fleeing the man's building. Once outside, she looked around, gathering her bearings. 

_Everybody knows you're crazy._

Rey continued running towards her apartment. She wasn't wearing any shoes and by the time she got to her front door, her feet ached from pounding against the cement. The ache seemed to ground her, pulling her back to reality slightly. What the fuck was happening? The problem with reality was that as she gained some semblance of sanity, the guilt hit her like a truck; as soon as she shut the door behind her, Rey broke down, sobbing against the door. 

“What is wrong with me? What have I done?” she cried aloud, her body shaking. 

_You can fix it._

“Who _are you?_ ” Rey asked, looking around her apartment. Some part of her knew she wouldn't find anybody but the logical part of her brain told her to look regardless. 

_You have to go back to last night._

“How do I get back?” 

_Find the portal_. 

Rey glanced around her apartment. Was the portal in here? She stood up, walking aimlessly for a moment. She didn't know what she was looking for but she knew it was here and she had to find it. Rey started at the bed, pulling back the covers, throwing off the pillows, lifting the mattress from its frame. She cursed when she found nothing, heading to the closet. She was growing more frantic by the second, ripping clothes from their hangers, pulling shelves off of the wall. 

The destruction continued around the apartment until the bulk of her things were piled on the floor an she still hadn't found the portal. 

“Where is it!?” Rey screamed as she climbed on top of her dresser, looking through the air vent. Her foot knocked down a picture frame, the glass shattering. Rey's eyes followed the sound; the picture was face down yet Rey knew exactly which it was. She climbed down from the shelf and pulled back the frame, the picture inside falling loose without the glass. It was a picture of Kylie and Rey at a bar; Kylie's arms were wrapped around Rey who stood in front of her, grinning widely. 

“What have I done?” Rey asked, panic in her voice. “Nobody has ever loved me- what have I done!?” 

Panic crept into Rey. She _had_ to find the portal. She saw the glass from the broken frame on the floor, picking up the biggest piece, observing the way it shone in the light. She realized if there was no portal, she would have to build one. Rey hurried to the kitchen to grab a marker. She knew what she had to do and so she uncapped the marker and wrote on the glass: WHORE. 

She felt satisfied with this piece, the first step to building the portal. She wrote on the chunks of glass piece by piece, using every bit big enough for words. She arranged the pieces frantically, finding the order and pattern to the pieces that felt right to her. The portal still didn't work. Her frenzy became more panicked as she headed to the cabinet, grabbing a glass and smashing it onto the floor. She grabbed the biggest pieces, bringing them to the collage as she scribbled more words onto the glass: SLUT, CRAZY, STILL GAY?, BITCH. 

The portal was growing in size as she arranged the pieces together so that they fit against each other just so. Yet, nothing happened. 

“This isn't real!” Rey screamed, kicking the glass mosaic around the room. “None of this is fucking real!” 

Rey got a shard of glass in her foot and sat down to pull it out, the slow flow of blood surprising her. “But I'm not real?” she said, confused. 

Rey didn't understand. Why was she bleeding if she wasn't real? She remembered that it wasn't her body, she was just using it to find the portal. But the portal didn't work? Rey starting crying, she was too confused and couldn't understand. She picked a piece of glass with the word UNLOVABLE on it. She had to figure out if she was real or not. 

She put the glass against her arm, dragging it across her skin. There was blood but she couldn't feel the pain and she didn't know what that meant. Rey cried, gasping over sobs. She wanted her old body back, she didn't want to stay in this one. She wanted her old body and she needed to get back to yesterday. 

She didn't know what to do. 

“Where did I go? Where's my body?” 

She needed help but she couldn't ask anybody for it. Everybody knew she was crazy. The voice had told her that. 

“How do I make it stop?” Rey asked.

_Kill the body._

“No. No, I can't. It belongs to somebody. They will need it. I have to find them, they can help me find the portal..”

_Kill the body._

“STOP!” Rey yelled. She covered her ears and tucked her head against her knees. The voice persisted, repeating itself on a loop. “I can't! I can't do it! Somebody needs it!” 

_It’s not real anyway, Rey._

“Who ARE YOU?” Rey screamed. “Leave me ALONE!”

_Everybody knows, Rey. They know you're crazy. Kill the body and it will stop._

“GO AWAY!” she screamed, the palms of her hands pushing against her ears so hard she thought she'd crush the body’s head.

_She won't love you anymore if you can't find the portal._

“I know,” Rey said, resigned. She was sobbing again, her insides ripping apart. But- she could feel _that_. She could feel that pain. She looked down at her chest, put her hand over her heart. It was beating, she could feel it thump against her hand. Was she real? 

_You're not real._

“I feel this!” she told the voice. “Why are you lying to me?”

_She won't love you anymore._

“Stop it! Stop talking! Get out of my head!” 

Rey heard a sound near the door and had the passing thought that somebody was coming to get her; when she looked up, it was only Kylie was in the doorway.  
-

When Kylie entered the room, she froze. She didn't know what was happening but Rey was not okay, that much was clear. 

“Rey?” 

Kylie stepped over the massive pile of things in the middle of the floor, approaching Rey slowly. She was surrounded by glass; her foot was slightly bloodied, but her arm… her arm was bleeding rather badly. 

“Are you real?” Rey asked, her voice small and terrified. 

“Yes, I'm real. I'm here.”

“He says you're not real,” Rey said, whispering. 

“Who said that?” Kylie asked. 

“I don't know, he won't tell me. He said we aren't real, why would he lie to me?”

Kylie bit her lip to keep herself from crying. Any pain she'd ever felt was nothing compared to this. To watch the person you love fall victim to their own mind was an excruciating kind of pain that threatened to swallow Kylie whole. She had to be strong, and she had to get help. 

“Rey, I'm going to call for some help, okay? Your arm is bleeding badly.”

“He says it's not my body.”

“Why does he say that?” Kylie asked. 

“He wants me to kill the body.”

“Is that what happened to your arm?” Kylie said, terrified for her girlfriend. 

“I had to see if it was real. If it was my body.”

“What did you find?”

“It didn't hurt,” Rey said. “I don't know whose body it is but it only hurts inside.”

“It looks like your body to me,” Kylie said. She didn't know how to handle a delusional person but she figured downright contradicting their beliefs would only serve to agitate. Kylie tried to choose her words carefully, scared of what might happen if she messed up. 

“Rey, can I help you up? There's glass all around you.”

“It's the portal but it didn't work,” Rey said, tears falling from her eyes. “You're going to hate me.”

“I could never hate you, Rey.”

“You're the only one who's ever loved me and I can't build the portal. I can't go back.”

“Where are you trying to go?” 

“Back to yesterday,” Rey explained. “It's the only way.” 

Kylie was closer now; she swept the glass away from the area with her shoe and sat down on the kitchen floor, a few feet away from Rey. 

“What happened yesterday?” Kylie asked. She was scared to know. Rey was manic but relatively in control when she left Kylie's house; whatever happened yesterday pushed Rey over the edge into full-blown psychosis. 

Rey’s expression broke Kylie's heart; she felt it so physically that she clutched her own chest.

“I'm scared,” Rey whispered. 

Kylie wanted to tell Rey that she was scared too but bit her tongue. “What are you scared of?”

“He says you're going to hate me. He says I have to kill the body. I can't make him stop.”

“Rey, I'm going to call for help, okay? You're safe, I'm just going to the other room and I'll be right back.”

“Please don't leave me,” Rey pleaded. 

“I need to make this call alone, Rey. It's very important.”

“You're not going to come back. You hate me already,” said Rey, tears falling from her face. 

Kylie looked down at the chunks of glass scattered around them and could make out a few words scrawled on the pieces. _Slut, guilty, crazy, still gay?, disgusting._ She realized she couldn't leave Rey alone in the apartment, all it would take is one impulse and… Kylie couldn't bring herself to finish the thought. 

Kylie looked down at the words on the glass again and wanted to throw up. She could put enough of the pieces together to understood in some small way what had happened. She looked up at Rey with tears in her eyes, trying her best to hide her anguish. It _hurt_. 

“I don't hate you, Rey, I could never hate you. This isn't your fault. Do you believe me?”

“I don't even know if you're real,” Rey whispered.“The portal won't work,” Rey tried explaining again, talking in circles. “I tried- it won't work.”

“Rey, you don't need the portal. I don't hate you. You don't have to go back,” Kylie said, tears falling from her eyes. 

“How do I know you're even real? It could just be a body, like this one.”

“You can touch me. You can see for yourself.”

Rey considered Kylie, weighing her options. If it was Kylie, maybe she could provide some sort of comfort? And yet, if it is Kylie, why would she want to touch Rey at all after what she did? Rey felt dirty, disgusting. She didn't deserve comfort. 

“I'm going to come and get you now, is that okay?” 

Rey nodded, her eyes on the ground. Kylie stepped closer to Rey, pushing some of the glass out of the way. Rey’s feet were bare so Kylie helped her gently to her feet and carried her the rest of the way out of the kitchen and towards the bed. Kylie set Rey down so she could put the mattress back on the bed frame and grabbed some pillows off the floor. She looked back at Rey who hadn't moved since she set her down. She had never looked smaller, so vulnerable and afraid. Kylie reached out her hand to Rey and led her to the bed, laying her down. She grabbed Rey's favorite blanket, draping it over her. 

“Do you want me to lay with you?” Kylie asked, unsure of where Rey was at mentally, not knowing how she'd react. 

“Why do you want to lay with me?” Rey asked, her face riddled with fear and guilt. 

“Because I love you. I want to help you.”

Rey nodded and Kylie laid beside her, gently rolling over to hold her girlfriend. 

“I told you I could carry you,” Kylie said against Rey's hair. 

“How did you know Kylie said that?” Rey asked, confusion washing over her. 

“Because it's _me_ , Rey. I'm real. I'm here with you, I promise.” 

Rey couldn't understand. If that was really Kylie, why didn't she hate her? The voice said she would. She didn't know what to believe. 

Rey fell silent, her eyes on the wall. Kylie gently pulled Rey's hurt arm out from under the blanket, assessing it. The gash was fairly deep and the flow of blood was consistent: not gushing by any means but not clotting either. Kylie looked around the room for something she could use to stop the flow of blood; she found a scarf and brought it to the bed, wrapping it around Rey's forearm, securing the cut as she tied a tight knot in it. She needed to get Rey to the hospital but this would help in the meantime. 

Rey hissed as Kylie tightened the scarf, commenting that it hurt. 

“See? It hurts because that is your arm,” said Kylie. 

Rey turned towards Kylie, looking at her like she almost believed her. Kylie took the chance to kiss Rey on the forehead, brushing her hair out of her face. “I have to take you to the hospital, Rey.”

“I can't go,” Rey whispered desperately. “They're going to hurt me!”

“Rey, look at me; nobody is going to hurt you. I'm scared you're going to hurt _yourself_ if you don't go. I need you to be okay, Rey. I love you, I wouldn't do anything to put you in danger. I don't know how else to help you, I'm not equipped to handle this on my own. Please, Rey. Let them help you.”

“They're going to know I'm crazy!” Rey cried, terror creeping back into her face. 

Kylie held onto Rey, her resolve breaking as she let herself cry – _really_ cry – against her girlfriend. 

“I'm so scared for you, Rey. I can't let you kill yourself because the voice is telling you you're not real. You are real and I can't lose you, you're my entire world. Please go willingly, _please_.” 

“I did something really terrible, Kylie…”

“I know, but I love you and I need you to get help so it doesn't happen again. I _forgive_ you, Rey. I still love you, you have to know that. I don't hate you, no matter what the voice is telling you. I'm not going to leave you. I swear on my life.” 

\- 

Rey was scared. She had let Kylie bring her to the hospital, fighting every fiber of her body and mind that screamed at her to stay home. 

_Everybody knows._

Kylie was speaking with the woman behind the desk, checking Rey in. She glanced back towards Rey what felt like every thirty seconds as though confirming she was still there and still calm. 

_She hates you._

“No, she doesn't,” Rey said aloud, barely more than a whisper. Regardless, a few people in the waiting room turned to look at Rey, the scared-looking girl talking to herself, a bloodied scarf wrapped around her arm. Rey needed to get out of there; as she glanced around the room, scanning for the exit, Kylie walked back to where Rey sat, sitting down beside her. 

“They'll be with us next,” she explained. “You're doing a great job, Rey.”

“Everybody knows,” Rey said, her eyes drifting around the room. 

“Nobody knows anything. You're safe.”

Was she, though? 

“Am I schizophrenic?” Rey asked Kylie, her voice hushed. 

“No,” Kylie said, taking the hand of her good arm and kissing it, her eyes avoiding Rey's. “You're not.”

“Then what? If I'm not schizophrenic, is the voice real?”

“Rey, I can't-”

“I want you to tell me, not them.”

Kylie looked at her girlfriend whose eyes were narrowed with fear and confusion. Kylie had sworn to herself and Rey alike that she couldn't diagnose her; she wasn't a medical professional, she just had a measly degree. But Kylie _knew_ , she had known for a long time and this past week confirmed it. 

“You're bipolar, Rey. You're having a psychotic episode.” 

_She's lying to you._

“No she's not,” Rey said aloud, her eyes fixed on the wall. 

“What is it telling you?” Kylie asked. 

_She isn't safe. She's lying to you._

Rey looked at Kylie, her eyes wide. She swallowed, unblinking as she tried to process. Why would Kylie lie to her? 

_That isn't Kylie._

“Yes it _is_ ,” Rey whispered, her nails digging at her thighs. She needed this to stop, she couldn't handle the dichotomy tearing her apart. The large set of doors to Rey's right opened up and a nurse walked out, heading towards the girls. She looked nice enough, inviting but concerned. 

_It's a trap._

“I don't believe you!” Rey said, the sound of her voice rising as she placed her hands over her ears. “Just leave me alone!” 

Kylie stood up to speak with the nurse who looked at Rey, empathy in her eyes. 

“She needs to be evaluated first,” Kylie said, her voice low. “Her arm has stopped bleeding, she needs medicine before something happens.”

“She has to agree to come,” the nurse said, her voice gentle, as if trying to comfort Kylie. The pain was as clear in her eyes as it was in Rey's. 

Kylie sat down next to Rey again, taking her hand. “It's time to go, okay? A doctor is going to talk to you and help this all stop.” 

_She's lying to you._

“Shut _up_ , she's _not_ ,” Rey all but yelled, grabbing her hand away from Rey to cover her ears for the second time. “Stop _talking to me_ , I don't believe you!”

“Rey-” Kylie said, pulling her hands down from her head. “The doctors can make him stop talking. We just have to go through the doors and we will be another step closer to him being gone. Okay? Can you walk?”

Rey nodded, the grimace on her face breaking Kylie's heart. The nurse placed a band around the wrist of Rey's good hand and led them through the double doors. Rey clutched Kylie's arm as they followed the nurse, holding onto her as though she were her lifeline. 

They were led through the halls, down an elevator, and into a second, smaller waiting room. They had hardly sat down before they were called into an office, meeting Dr. Walker. 

“Rey Kenobi, is it?”

Rey stared at him, nodding slightly. 

“And you are…?” he asked, glancing at Kylie. 

“Um, Kylie Ren, I’m Rey's girlfriend.”

The older man nodded, pulling a clipboard off of his desk. “We have a lot to cover so shall we get started? I'd like for Rey to answer to the best of her ability before you help her, Kylie. I'm interested in your perspective but I'd like to give Rey the chance to talk. So, what current problem has brought you here, Rey?”

Rey swallowed, finding it difficult to speak, let alone look at the man. Her eyes were fixed on the carpet in front of her as she adjusted awkwardly. She looked up at him for but a second before averting her eyes downward. When she finally managed to speak, her voice was low and shaking. “I'm… hearing a voice?”

“What is the voice saying to you?” Dr. Walker asked. 

“It's- it's telling me this isn't my body. It wants me to hurt the body because I can't find the portal… I couldn't make it work…”

“Is that what happened to your arm?” he asked. 

“No, I- I was trying to see if the body was real.”

“Was it?”

“I don't know.”

“Is that it or is there more going on?” Dr. Walker asked. 

“I- I don't know, I can't remember,” Rey said, trembling, looking to Kylie for support. 

Dr. Walker nodded at Kylie, letting her fill in what she knew. 

“She hasn't been sleeping for weeks, she hasn't been herself at all and it’s escalated quickly. When she left last night, she was mostly okay… I found her this morning surrounded by glass in her apartment, the whole place was torn apart and she was bleeding. She doesn't think she is real, she doesn't believe that I am myself. She is trying to travel back to last night.”

“What happened last night, Rey?”

Rey visibly closed in on herself, mentally and physically. She appeared to shrink by inches in the seat, her energy draining out of her. 

“Rey?” the doctor asked. “What happened last night?” 

Rey's eyes flickered towards him for a fraction of a second before returning down to the carpet, her eyes jumping from one spot to another, thinking, trying to piece it all together. 

“I can't,” she said finally. 

Dr. Walker looked towards Kylie, raising his eyebrows. 

“I think she slept with someone,” Kylie said quietly, trying to hide the hurt in her voice from Rey. Rey looked towards Kylie, her eyes conveying something broken. 

“Did that trigger the voice, Rey?”

Rey shook her head, turning her gaze towards the doctor. “I've been hearing it for a couple days, I think.”

Dr. Walker pulled out a checklist, reading off potential symptoms as Rey nodded or shook her head for each, wordlessly. The questions that required verbal responses were answered by Kylie. Once the symptoms were finished, he moved onto personal information. 

“Sexual orientation?” Dr. Walker asked, a dozen or so questions in. 

The question hit her hard. _Still gay?_ the man had asked. _“Seemed like you had fun.”_

_Still gay?_

Rey couldn't remember the details of last night, her mind clouded with the alcohol and delusion. The only thing she remembered clearly was that she _had_ liked it from a physical standpoint. She couldn't deny her body’s response. But the man? Did this change anything? She remembered his roughness, the harshness of his presence, the shape of his body, the feeling of his mouth… 

“Gay,” she said decisively, louder than anything she'd said in the office so far. “I'm _gay.”_

The intake took over an hour; by the end, Rey was mentally exhausted, still tortured by the voice in her head. 

“To finish this up, I need your signature, confirming you're voluntarily signing yourself in. We will start you on some medication as soon as we have a chance to review the intake, usually within the hour.”

Rey nodded, accepting the clipboard with shaking hands as she scribbled something that in no way resembled her signature. Dr. Walker led them out of the office, back into the lobby. 

“This is one of our nurses, Sheila,” he said, motioning to the nurse standing in the doorway. “She will show Rey to her room. It's past visiting hours but I'll make an exception for Rey to get settled in. Normal visiting hours are from 9-11 in the mornings and then again from 6-8 at night on the weekends. Rey, we will be with you shortly about medications.”

Rey looked towards Kylie as though it was the first time she realized Kylie would have to _leave_ her there. She felt suddenly not unlike a caged animal. 

Kylie took Rey's hand, helping her down the hallway after Sheila. “It's going to be okay, I promise. If it's not okay, I'll find you somewhere better, just say the word.”

_She's lying to you._

Rey couldn't say anything to anyone. She knew the voice couldn't be trusted but she still considered the words, afraid there was some semblance of truth to them. How could Kylie be so _kind_ to her after what she did? It didn't make sense, and the voice reminded her of it constantly. 

Rey sat down on the bed in her room, looking out the small window, high up on the wall. Kylie wished she could see into Rey's head for even just a minute but she couldn't so she sat down beside her, taking her hand, pulling Rey into her.

Kylie couldn't begin to understand the struggle Rey was experiencing; being lost somewhere in psychosis, unable to disguise between fantasy and reality had to be tearing down the walls of everything Rey had thought she believed. Kylie wondered how Rey would emerge once medicated and stable and she could only hope her girlfriend would be okay, that _they_ would be okay. Kylie knew in her heart that she'd never leave Rey; she'd do this over and over again if it meant she could have Rey at her best, when her charisma blinded everything else in the world and she threw her head back in laughter. She knew that nothing about this would be easy but it would be worth it. Kylie wanted to tell Rey all these things but instead, she pulled her into her arms, brushing the hair out of her face and kissing her head, hoping her heart could transfer through her lips and into Rey somehow. 

-

Kylie got to her car, her shaking hands fumbling to get the keys into the ignition. She gave up, throwing the keys to the floorboard as sobs swept through her body. She cried herself dry with her head against the steering wheel, feeling powerless as the weight of the past few weeks bore down on her all at once. It felt like an ending but Kylie knew it was only the beginning and she grieved for all of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a hard one to write for a handful of reasons, the biggest being it's based on experiences that are difficult to (cognitively, not so much emotionally) remember. It feels really choppy and detached and I'm not super proud of it but I'm done mulling over it so here you go!
> 
> Feel free to follow me at ifeel-ittoo.tumblr.com!


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